Burger King Now Sells Diet French Fries (To Tame Your Massive Thighs)

Say there pretty baby, looking to lose a little weight, but you still want to stuff your face with fast food? Until now, most options out there for you taste like air and broken will power. I say “until now,” because starting today Burger King is selling, “Satisfries,” a lower calorie version of their regular French fries.

Kill it with fryer.

Kill it with fryer.

At 20% fewer calories and fat, the Satisfries (I really can’t with that name) are made with the exact same ingredients as regular Burger King French fries. However, thanks to the magic of the top-secret, proprietary coating and frying method, they absorb less frying oil. Less frying oil means your hamburger buns will be smaller. Did I mention they are 25% more expensive than the fatty fatso originals?

Tell you what, instead of going to Burger King and paying more for less caloric intake, how about those of you interested in these abominations just come and find me. See, all you’ll have to do is say, “Satisfries,” in my presence, and I’ll punch you in the mouth for saying such a f*cking stupid word.

Feel the burn.

Feel the burn.

The dental trauma you experience from my swift fist justice will cause you to be off of solids for at least a week, and the weight will just melt right off. You’ll be able to fit into your slutty Halloween costumes in no time!

Side note, are people still going to Burger King, is it truly a thing?

The original King of Burgers.

The original King of Burgers.

The last time I went to a Burger King I was in my early twenties and driven there by a stoner (we’ll call her Cheef Big Bong.) I misunderstood my pal’s, “Dude I’m jonesin’ for BK,” comment and thought she wanted British Knights, the stylish athletic shoe brand of the early 90’s. Unfortunately, burnout Bettie was referring to Burger King, and after a night of sh*tting and crying, on my toilet, I swore I would never ride the King’s moustache again.

In closing: SATISFRIES, yet another sure and true sign of the apocalypse.

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Burger King Now Sells Diet French Fries (To Tame Your Massive Thighs) — 5 Comments

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