Humans Are Going to Look Super Creepy in 100,000 Years

Researcher Nickolay Lamm and Dr Alan Kwan an expert in computational genomics from the University of Washington, joined forces to postulate what humans might look like 100,000 years in the future The results are bizarre and vaguely familiar.

Ahhh! My Eyes!

Ahhh! My Eyes!

Yes, I know- homegirl is totally rocking the Mary-Kate and Ashley vibe. It makes sense that humanity will soon resemble golem-like trolls, because let’s face it…thanks to the internet, that’s what we’ve become. All you need to do is sign up for one online poker tournament featuring Skype to see the pasty and bug-eyed wormhole that we are slipping through.

I gazed at this meerkat did it with an anime cosplay looking nonsense for the better part of 10 minutes scouring my brain in an attempt to recall where I had seen the bulging eyes of our would-be future. Finally, it came to me.

Last week, when I was sailing on the USS Honker Joint, my un-airconditioned stateroom had but 4 channels on the old-skool television (would it kill the cheapskates at Carnival to incorporate TV’s from this century?) Because it was hot as balls and sleep was elusive, I watched the same 4 channels night after sleepless night. One of them was a TBS affiliate out of the lovely Pittsburgh, PA. The channel repeatedly showed the same commercial for “Pittsburgh’s finest gentleman’s club,” a place by the name of Blush.

The Blush commercial involved men’s eyes permanently enlarging after seeing lady crotches ride the pole. The dudes in the commercial are EXACTLY what we’ll be looking at in 100,000 years. Please take a moment to watch apparently the ONLY commercial they play in Pittsburg past 11pm.

See what I mean? It’s like staring into a future mirror.

Also, just incase you didn’t already know, 100,000 years is a blink eye in the scope of geology’s timetable. That’s right, before you know it, we’ll all have casting managers hounding us all to star in the space reboot of “Full House 102013 AD.”

ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

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