Oh Florida! When will you ever catch a break? Between crazy criminals, cutoff shorts, biting flies, and that whole being a hurricane magnet thing, your fair Sunshine State is due a respite from the insanity.
Fortunately, today is not that day.
This fine morning I have another hilarious development out of Florida, America’s whoopee cushion. The state is dealing with a rogue colony of Herpes B-infested monkeys that are roaming the lush and tropical countryside.
Apparently, back in the 1930’s some crazy a-hole introduced Rhesus monkeys to a Florida state park in the hopes that they would add a “Tarzan jungle vibe.” The dude was a tour guide who went by the name “Colonel” Tooey and believed that monkeys couldn’t swim, so he kept them confined on an island in the park. Seemed legit at the time.
Well, because what else are a bunch of trapped animals going to do, the monkeys humped on each other, created an army of Rhesus who learned to swim and then escaped into the wilds. All these decades later, the colony of monkeys is over 1000 strong, living up to 100 miles away from their original location, and riddled with the Herpes-B virus.
In monkeys, herpes is harmless. In humans, that sh*t is not cute and causes all sorts of complications. Add the fact that the monkeys are openly aggressive towards humans they come in contact with, and you have the stuff that Satan’s dreams are made of. Last week, officials declared the colony of Herpes Primates a public health hazard.
In all seriousness, if you find yourself in Florida at the mercy of a pack of wild STD monkeys, all you need to do is: Start pouring Jager shots and handing out ten-dollar Wal-Mart gift cards.
Do those two things and trust me: you’ll be as safe as a kitten in a Florida meth kitchen (AKA very safe, the state is known for its skilled cooks.)