I’ve Never Been Happier to be OLD: The 2013 VMAs in a Nutshell

True story, I had planned to get lit up like a Christmas tree and hate-watch the MTV Video Music Awards last night. Matter of fact, I skipped sneaking my flask into a movie theatre on Saturday afternoon because I was saving all my drunks for Sunday’s VMAs.

As 8pm CST approached, I realized it was Breaking Bad time, and decided to give the VMAs the finger until after I’d gotten my weekly fix of Walter White.

You got me, sonofab*tch.

You got me, sonofab*tch.

The problem is, last night’s Breaking Bad was so awesome and intense, I decided not to ruin it by watching 2+ hours of dog turds (the VMAs) afterwards.

This morning, because I’m a stone-cold giver who lives to give, I started fast-forwarding…er, watching them on the DVR. Let me just go on record as saying: choosing a dying psychopathic meth cook over a bunch of fame whores was the greatest choice I’ve made in my adult life.

Though it’s been my first Video Music Award to watch in years, some things never change: the VMAs were just as unwatchable as I remember.

For starters, Lady Gaga kicked the show off in this number.

All that's missing is my Kikoman's.

Luckily, she quickly shed her tofu cube get up and showed us her assets. Say what you will about “Applause,” but one thing’s for sure, the girl knows how to put on a show.


Special shout out to her unitarded male backup dancers doing their best Squidward J. Tentacles impressions.



Robin Thicke (Gloria Loring’s son,) showed up dressed as Beetlejuice and performed his white-hot white soul hit, “Blurred Lines.” I was grooving and doing the bouncy dance I’ve come to do every time I hear that song, when Miley Cyrus started bun-humping Robin like a rabid chipmunk all out of singles at a strip club. Way to ruin my Monday before it even got started, Miles.

Cheeks offa him, slut!

Cheeks offa him, slut!

Speaking of, what in Chuck-E-Cheese and the Showbiz Pizza Gang Hell was she wearing during her performance!?

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

Her wayward tongue, the giant teddy bears, and off-key wailing all made me want to punch Mickey Mouse in the cheese biscuits for first unleashing Ms. Cyrus on the world. Sure, she started out as a cute kid in a fright wig on that Disney show, but now? Well, let’s just say I’ve seen bus station bathroom floors with more class and distinction. Look girl, we’ve all been bombed out of our skulls, worn nothing, and humped on randos, it’s called being in your twenties, stop acting like you invented the hoochie mama act.

Even her poor tongue is trying to escape this nonsense.

Even her poor tongue is trying to escape this nonsense.

Anysluttykidsisters, NSYNC reunited for exactly 110 seconds and while the lighting concealed the ravages of time, I couldn’t help but wonder a few things:

1. What Al’s Big and Tall tuxedo rental strip mall location did Joey FatOne get his suit from?

2. Now that Princess Frostylocks (Lance) doesn’t have to pretend he’s into dainty parts, why didn’t he twerk on Robin Thicke instead!?

While the reunion was underwhelming and brief, it was nice to remind the world that JC Chasez wasn’t just a figment of our hormonal, younger, imaginations. He exists in real life, y’all!

Kirkpatrick's just happy not to be taking drink orders.

Kirkpatrick’s just happy not to be taking drink orders.

Justin won Video of the Year for “Mirrors,” and while I LURVE me some J-Timbsy, I have to say the”Blurred Lines” video was robbed. Emily Ratajkowski, AKA  the brunette model with big ol’ bouncing boobies not only made “Blurred Lines” a logical choice for video of the year, her breasts secured the title of: GREATEST MUSIC VIDEO OF ALL TIME! If you haven’t seen the NSFW masterpiece, click on it now.

Thicke's career best build a shrine in her honor.

Thicke’s career best build a shrine in her honor.


Speaking of jiggling sacks of oat flour, Katy Perry performed her new single, (and the soundtrack to every upcoming 7th grade ladies volleyball season,) “ROAR.”

Usually Katy brings it with her stage costumes, unfortunately, last night she decided to dress like a power-butch with an addiction to her Bedazzler.

My dad's knee socks are not the look.

My dad’s knee socks are not the look.

Even the poorly supporting sports bra wasn’t doing it for me, and I’m usually all about the “workout bounce.”




Another notable moment was a teaser commercial that ran early in the broadcast. Eminem, AKA the ghost of Shopping Mall Gangstas past, announced the date of the album he’s releasing (that Cheryl in accounting will do all her cardio to.) After hearing 15 seconds of his new stuff, I’m sad to confirm that thanks to copious amounts of quality ganja, it’s always the year 1999 for homeboy.

But Don’t feel too bad for the multi-millionaire, Eminem’s forever in a time where most of the clowns in today’s music don’t exist. I mean, as far as White Shadow is concerned, Britney never shaved her head and Miley Cyrus is nothing more than one of Billy Ray Cyrus’ tax dependents. To live in a suspended state of pre-9/11, before Jeggings bliss? We should all be so lucky.

In closing, the 2013 VMAs made bold moves to be relevant again, and while I’m sure the kids are eating it up with a spoon, you can get the Hell off my porch.






I’ve Never Been Happier to be OLD: The 2013 VMAs in a Nutshell — 6 Comments

  1. And can someone sit Miley down and show her what she actually looks like on TV? BTW I think that outfit was supposed to be a picture of her. Kind of like me wearing a t-shirt with my own face on it….you know…because I’m awesome.

    • Because of THIS video. See, you may be immune to Dr. Jason Seaver’s raw sexual magnetism, but there’s no denying it’s in the genes! #sweatyandhot #crystallight

  2. I have no delusions as to how Dr. Jason Seaver was able to bag the ultra-hot Joanna Kerns. That’s right … ULTRA-HOT! Too bad Ben and Carol got their looks from Jason and Chrissy and Mike got the “Kerns” looks.

    And where’s Boner in all of this?

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