Signs of the End Times: Richard Simmons Has a Pop Song Out Now

 

Breathtaking.

Breathtaking.

Richard Simmons, masculine health guru and fitness legend, has decided to venture into the world of Pop music. Earlier this week, Simmons released a song called, “Hair Do,” and last night the music video for the instant classic debuted.

Imagine your Pepaw forgot to take his pills, grabbed a handful of rhinestones, and decided to do his best impression of 1990 Madonna (also throw in gratuitous eye-f*cking of a camera,) that’s what watching this hot mess express is like.

Don’t let me forget to mention that we get the bonus of watching Mr. Simmons dress up like a bunch of glamorous women, including Jackie O and Marilyn Monroe. Though to be perfectly honest, he comes off as looking more like a 3rd-rate Rose Nylund, than Ms. Monroe. Speaking of, it’s official: every last trick in the book has dressed as Marilyn, can we just stop with the MM tributes?

Gird your loins and hide your weaves, because Richard and his merry band of losing weight beauties are going to cause you to fall in love, INSTANTLY!

True story: When I’m extra drunk or fabulous, I like to pretend I’m one of the characters in Jacqueline Susann’s classic piece of lit, “Valley of the Dolls.” I’ll put on heavy eye-liner and evening gowns, slur my words, then sexually harass Lover Fo’ Life. After watching this ARTFUL video clip, I now know exactly what I look like when I’m doing all of those things.

Did anyone else get a quiver in their down-lows when Richard wore that orange wig? I don’t know what he was going for, but his slut moves and smoldering look were really doin’ it for me. Don’t lie, you’d hit it too!

I’m sad this MASTERPIECE OF A MUSIC VIDEO didn’t debut until just now, I mean…with the MTV Video Music Awards this SUNDAY, Simmons would have been a shoe-in for the “Greatest Video of ALL TIME,” award. Oh well, there’s always next year.

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