Once upon a time, I created this clap-trap hobo parlor of a website to help document my adventures with an extremely Angry (albeit adorable) Baby.
I know it might be hard for you to fathom this, seeing as 99% of my blog is devoted to fart jokes and booze shout-outs, but it’s true. I’m a mother to a 2-year-old daughter who will be 3 years old in less than 2 months.
Because the fates have a wickedly perfect sense of humor, Angry Baby was exactly the comeuppance one would assume a ne’er-do-well like myself deserved. As an infant she quickly demonstrated that she was strong-willed, unrelenting, and always looking for a way to figuratively punch me in the pills.
Presently, our days are spent laughing, learning and getting into shenanigans. To say time and wisdom have improved her furious disposition is an understatement. Gone is the bright-red and furious turnip, and in her place is a talking, running, and sweet little loving nut.
Perhaps Angry Baby’s systematic “conditioning” of me through these past 3 years has left me void of the will to fight. But I’d like to think these calmer times are a result of me leveling up in the unending video game that is parenthood. Of course, the hallmark of being a parent, is having the rug pulled out from under you the moment you’ve “got it all figured out.” That’s then old whore Karma decides to show up.
When AB was first teething, I documented her misadventures and dubbed her tooth trauma as “Teef Terror 2011.” Screaming, fit-throwing, threatening us with prison shivs, my infant did it all when she was poppin’ those pearly whites.
Mercifully, Teef Terror 2011 faded quickly and in its place is a brushing and flossing champ. As 2013 headed into the home-stretch, I decided the Dentist needed to start admiring AB’s perfect, Shark Week-worthy pearls. This past Monday, she had her first Dental appointment, as you have already probably gathered, it did not go well.
Weeks before her scheduled visit, I began playing Dentist Office with her. Angry Baby and I gave dental exams to each other and all of her dolls, we watched various clips of her pre-school cartoon heroes go to the dentist. I talked to her about how FUN and IMPORTANT the “Tooth Doctor,” is, all while she soaked it up like a sponge.
When the day of her appointment finally arrived, I was greeted with, “Good morning, had a good sleep, time for my Dentist Appointment!” As we prepped to leave, she was laughing, jumpin’ and very excited about the new adventure that awaited her. Once we arrived, Angry Baby giggled, squealed and played in the lobby, stopping to repeatedly ask me, “where’s the tooth doctor?”
I assured we’d be meeting her soon, and if AB continued to be good, I would be happy to take her to pick out a “surprise,” after we left the clinic.
A Dental Assistant emerged, “Miss Valor?”
“We’re up, little bean! It’s time for your first Dentist Appointment!”
“HOORAY!” Angry Baby shouted, she proceeded to run towards her new friend with mouth open and teeth shining.
As the door to the lobby closed, the staff decided that Angry Baby was so adorable, they needed a photo for their wall of fame. “Uh, she really hates having her photo taken,” I cautioned. Sure enough, as another assistant pulled out an SLR, Angry Baby covered her face and started chanting, “No thank you to me! No thank you to me! No thank you to me!”
“That’s alright, princess,” the kind staff member cooed.
We made our way to an examination room, and Angry Baby was confronted with all the dental gear we had previously discussed. Only, this time…the mere sight of the chair caused her to cry. “Mommy, I so very scared.” Ever the good sport with my hot-tempered tot, I climbed in the chair and put her on my lap. “See, this is SOOO MUCH FUN,” I exclaimed.
As the Dentist approached, she was calm and very friendly with Valor. If Disney decided to dream up a Dental Princess, this woman would surely be it. Beautiful, kind and not threatening in any way, I expected her to burst into a song while blue birds flew out of her cabinets with all the necessary exam tools.
That’s when Angry Baby’s inner Disney Villain decided to emerge. Every kind measure on Dr. Loya’s part was met with cruelty and rage from my (previously happy to be there) child. The more she reassured, the angrier my baby became. Open her mouth? Only to scream louder. Relax and calm down? Not on your life, Tooth Lady.
After what seemed like an eternity of kicking and screaming (all on my lap, and into my tanned shins) the Doctor gave up. “We’ll need to reschedule for a few months from now, I don’t want to scare her away for good. In the meantime, please talk to her about the Dentist’s Office and practice with her.”
“I’ve been practicing. 5 minutes ago she was excited to be here. Just ask your office staff, I have witnesses!”
She chuckled. “Well, then keep up the good work! Hopefully she’ll be ready when we try again in 2 months.” Disney Princess Dentist smiled warmly and gave me a hug, she smelled like vanilla and sunshine. With that, our first dental exam was over, before it ever began.
I grabbed my screaming child and made our way out, first stopping by the checkout where I attempted to re-schedule her appointment.
“We’ll call you later to schedule, unfortunately several of our younger patients are growing very restless.” It was then that I noticed all of the other child yells that filled the once serene office. It wasn’t until I re-emerged into the lobby that I realized the impact of Angry Baby’s impassioned rant against dental healthcare. The toys were scattered, kids were burrowed into shoulders and every mom in the joint gave me the withering glare that says, “Thanks for having a horrible kid, b*tch…you’ve ruined it for us ALL.”
I avoided contact and gave the appropriate “my bad, y’all” apologetic facial expression. The exact moment we crossed Death-Stare Valley and exited out the front door, my happy-go-lucky toddler reemerged. She smiled and giggled, “We go get a surprise now?”
“No, you were very mean to that nice Dentist,” I strapped her in and crawled into my driver’s seat and did the drive of shame past a windowed lobby filled with parents who wanted to shank me. As I called Lover Fo’ Life to fill him in on the horrific events, I glanced at my clock, Angry Baby’s appointment was scheduled for 10:00am, it was only 10:15. A mere fifteen minutes is all it took to unravel an entire Dental Office.
The kid’s still got it.