Corey Feldman Made a Music Video (And Obviously, It’s Terrible)

If there’s one thing I’m great at, it’s finding horrible crap on the internet. I realize by admitting this, that I’m proving one can brag about anything…but I rule at sourcing dumb stuff. That’s why I’m disappointed that it’s taken me almost a week to bring you this abomination. Nevertheless, better late than never.

80’s Child Actor and prototype for the douchebag, Corey Feldman is a singer, y’all! Corey fancies himself a musician and released a music video for his song, “Ascension Millennium.”

2011 Charlie Sheen, is that you?

2011 Charlie Sheen, is that you?

Because you love to torture your eyeballs, or perhaps have been dying to know what the kid in glasses from Stand By Me is up to, please take the 4+ minutes to watch this hot mess express:

I don’t even know what the Hell, “Ascension Millennium” means, much less am I able to understand a single word he “sings.” All I know is that Corey’s chalky pallor and twig-like physique reads very “Present-Day Michael Jackson’s Corpse.” Matter of fact, if it weren’t for all of the gallivanting with adults, I’d swear it was the gloved one himself (after he’d stroked out on bad coke and gargled with battery acid.)

In a shocking turn, the great Sean Astin makes a Goonies referencing cameo at the 1:42 mark.

Sloth does NOT approve.

Sloth does NOT approve.

In other, “hey it’s a paycheck” news, can we talk about the Models in this music video!?Corey cast the world’s most beautiful women in various states of undress as his love interests. Clearly, Mr. Feldman leered on a bench outside of the Wet Seal for HOURS to recruit such exquisite and refined beauties.

Mall Quality Models

Mall Quality Models

From Corey’s wet shower pantomime to the grand finale, when a band of suburban dads with highlights “rock” the sh*t out of a concert venue photo backdrop…”Ascension Millennium,” is a big ol’ pile of “Baby Ruths.”

baby-ruth

Baby Ruth, passing as a pool turd since Caddyshack.

That being said, had this song been released in 1999, I’m pretty sure it would have made it to at least #3 on Total Request Live, and Corey would have toured with Korn.

When you were young.

When you were young.

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