Things That Now Exist: The Sock Monkey Kama Sutra

Thousands of years ago, that old slut Vatsyayana rocked the Sanskrit and wrote a definitive guidebook on human sexual behavior, The Kama Sutra. Filled with positions and general relationship advice, the book has been in rotation ever since. Over the millennia, various versions of the text have been trotted out for sale, from the fully illustrated books of yore, to hardcore photographic essays documenting the numerous positions.

And now, a new Kama Sutra, one that is surely going to f*ck with the way that you look at stuffed animals, particularly sock monkeys. Say hello to the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra.

So it's come to this.

So it’s come to this.

No, you’re not staring at an internet hoax, this is a real thing.

The book is now available for sale on Amazon, and less than 10 bucks. There’s also a 2014 calendar available for pre-sale, because that’s just what your office cube needs to keep those whores in Human Resources from bothering you.

The author of this seam-bursting first is named “Vatsayana Banana.” Har har har.

Banana has painstakingly recreated several of the sexual positions from the Kama Sutra with stuffed sock monkeys, all so that you can learn a few new tricks.

But, as the great literacy advocate Levar Burton says, “You don’t have to take my word for it.” Let’s look at some of the naughty monkeys in action.

Here’s the “Pressed Kiss” pose.

pressed kiss monkey

Behold! “The Swan!”

swan monkey

This next one is called the, “Yab Yum.”

yab yum monkey

And here is the creepily named position known as “Twining.”

twining monkey

The appropriately titled, “Monkey,” pose.

monkey positioned by monkeys

And finally, the irony infused, “Sacred Thread.”

sacred thread monkey

Wow.

I really don’t know how to feel about this. It’s like part of my childhood died, yet my fuzzy business is ready to go. Needless to say, I’ll never shop again at a Cracker Barrel general store without gazing over at their ubiquitous pile of sock monkeys and wondering, “What if?”

In other news, this book doesn’t yet have any reviews on Amazon. Nary one sarcastic fake book review to peruse, and this is a travesty. We must remedy the oversight ASAP, I’m looking at YOU internet.

Aaaaand because I’ll use any excuse to reference the classic film, Cabin Boy…

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