November 16. 2012 the Hostess snack company went officially belly up and a delicious, cream-filled, spongy piece of America died. Twinkie the Kid and his tramp friends, Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs packed up their hobo sticks and hit the rails.
Luckily, back in March of this year, financial titans Evan Metropolous and Leon Black swooped the beloved Hostess Brands up in Bankruptcy court. The new owners promised they would have the cakes back for snackin’ this summer.
Just incase you’ve forgotten, this humble little dung heap of a website has been the world’s Twinkie Crisis news source. And while I’ve enjoyed holding you in these dark months, it’s time to dry your eyes and wipe the snot off of my shoulder.
In a cruel Twinkie-less summer, that’s also witnessed the assassination of Paula Deen’s hot buttered legacy, the generous waistbands of America demand girding. That’s why I’m happy as a dip spitcup in Wal-Mart to announce that the wait for our beloved cakes is almost over.
July 15th 2013, Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Hoho’s will make their TRIUMPHANT return to our nation’s retail stores and our collective ample thighs.
That’s right, no more Zingers bullsh*t, TWINKIE THE KID RIDES AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, it would’ve been righteous if they’d been able to time the return a few weeks earlier, so we could celebrate the 4th of July with Twinkies. But beggars for high fructose corn syrup and palm kernel oil confections can’t be choosers, and I’m not complaining.
Here’s the OFFICIAL REBOOT BOX!!!
Full Disclosure: there’s been an unbearable hole in my life in the 7 months since these delights left grocery stores and dirtball gas stations everywhere. To be perfectly honest, my shame spirals just haven’t been as impressive. Oh sure, the booze and Air Supply at full-blast, are still very much a part of my regular meltdowns. But without the golden wonders, my shame-eating in front of a mirror has been completely uninspired. These individually wrapped beauties chased with Old Grand-Dad whiskey, have gotten me through a multitude of crises.
So today, when that a-hole screws you over, or y’all drop the ball on that really important thing… just stay calm and remember: in less than a month we’ll be swimming in a sea of Twinkie cream!
NOTHING CAN HURT US THIS GLORIOUS MONDAY! SOON AMERICA WILL BE BACK WITH HER RIGHTFUL SNACK CHOICE!
Play us off, Patsy Cline!!!