4th Grade Teacher Drunk For Field Trip to the Bowling Alley (Alternate Title: Who Can Blame Her?)


Ah Summer!



The weather heats up, skanks start wearing bikini tops in lieu of the more understated tube top, and of course, school’s out.

It’s a known fact that every teacher in America with a Facebook account is on summer break. The time educators normally would devote to molding the future of our nation, has been redistributed and focused on Facebook braggery. Each morning, I find myself rolling my eyes as teacher after teacher reminds those rotting away in corporate America, that they’re out of school.

And don’t get me started on the surly college students home for the season. Kids, take a lesson from Aunt Cribsy: just because you have the illusion of freedom for 9 months of the year on Mom and Dad’s dime at University, does not mean you’re grown. Suffice to say, I dealt with some gum-smacking hooligans yesterday, and it took every ounce of adult in me not to go full-tilt raging b*tch.

Why did I hold back? Because I happened to be in a church. It’s already a modern miracle that I don’t burst into flames each time I enter a house of worship, so I didn’t want to tempt the fates. Ever the saint, I decided to bite my tongue and instead silently took delight in the abysmal post-grad future job market they face.

Anybrats, back to those teachers…

While social media “I’m off work for the summer, nanner nanner boo boo” bragging is annoying, can we really begrudge educators for getting to be the enviable ones for a few glorious weeks? Of course not.

To be a teacher in America today is a thankless slavery that only the strongest of conscious and constitution should attempt. Oh don’t give me that “I believe the children are our future” bullcrap…teachers work in schools, which in case you don’t remember from your youth, are chock full of awful people.

The clueless administrators, judgmental cafeteria staff, (Chili cheese fries again, Ms. Davis?) the creepy librarians, agro Volleyball coaches, all these people (and more) cement that SCHOOLS ARE THE WORST.

We’re not even getting into the horror show that are parents today. Gone are the days of children begging their teachers not to call home. Where our folks beat the hell out of us for so much as a stink-eye from a teacher, the damaged parents of today bully teachers, grade grub, and peg getting into Harvard on Junior’s 2nd grade spelling test results.

Yes, it’s pretty clear teachers have earned the right to throw their “freedom,” in our faces for the next 8 weeks.

But what about those who are stuck teaching right now? Poor souls forced to toil in the sweltering heat with students, thanks to year-round schooling or a late school calendar? Where’s a teacher to turn?

Well, if you’re like Maria Caya, a 4th grade teacher from Wisconsin, you turn to the bottle.

Apple (shaped flask) for the teacher.

Apple (shaped flask) for the teacher.

Maria was set to oversee a field trip to the local bowling alley, when she took a long hard look at her life and decided to get sh*tfaced. Right before she left to lead for the day.

Thanks to the Schoolbus driver (a phrase never written until just now,) the students arrived at the bowling alley in tip-top shape. Parent chaperones were in tow to assist, so all Maria Caya had to do was keep her drunken shenanigans on the down low. Unfortunately, like all hotmess expresses, girlfriend couldn’t keep her crap together. The 4th grade teacher puked all over the place and passed the f*ck out.

Her husband was called to tend to her (shout out to the hair holders of the world,) and Maria was taken to the hospital where she admitted to nurses that she started drinking at 6:00am. It was also found that her BAC was 3 times the legal limit.

For their part, the school district has issued a statement citing the children were NEVER in danger as there were plenty of sober adults to oversee the kiddos, and Ms. Caya was never behind the wheel.

No word yet if our new favorite teacher of all time is going to get to keep her job. But my educated guess is that her bosses are jealous of Maria’s commitment to the buzz, and will fire her for drinking the goodstuff.

I’m sorry, but any slut who starts drinking at 6:00am is a hero in my eyes. Let’s face it, at 6:00am most of the world is essentially drunk on sleep deprivation, so she was just going above and beyond. Ms. Maria Cava, though you got waaay too drunk and passed out at a bowling alley (haven’t we all!?) You’ve taught me some lessons.

1. When drinking first thing in the morning, you need to throw an Eggo in that stomach.


2. Field Trips are still just as bad as I remember.






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