Miley Cyrus is officially America’s kid sister who has embraced her twenties as the time to prove to the WORLD that she is edgy and hardcore. Remember that time your lil’ sis decided to gage her ears, study Nietzsche, turn vegan and get a tattoo sleeve of Dr. Seuss Quotes? Yeah, that’s where she’s going. Miley is pretty much one cherry coke and pixie stix bender away from getting “Oh The Places You’ll Go!” in its entirety, inked on her back.
The high priestess of Chipmunk Soft-Core has released her latest single just in time for Summer, and let me be the first to tell you, it’s a horrendous as we’d hoped it would be.
For those of you not willing to risk getting the song stuck in your head by listening just once…Imagine the song, “Party in the USA,” after a few rounds of gas huffing. Then add gratuitous hand in the air requests paired with shout outs to big booty hos, and you’ve pretty much got the idea.
Speaking of giving shout outs, shout out to the sawdust and Marlboro truck driver vocals Miley’s rocking throughout the tune. If you told me it was possible for one of the Chippettes to climb meth mountain and end up on Sunset Boulevard peddling her pelt for fixes, this is exactly what her voice would sound like.
The song starts by officially killing the screw genre, which I’m actually thankful to her for. If there’s one thing this world is tired of, it’s suburban teens riding around town blasting songs that make their cars sound like the battery is dying. So thanks for including the thug life screw effect at the beginning, Miles.
But the lyrics are the TRUE treasure of this aural abortion, I’ve decided to share my personal favorites:
To my homegirls here with the big butts Shaking it like we at a strip club Remember only God can judge us Forget the haters cause somebody loves ya
All I can say is…homegurl, please.
Paging Granny Ruby! (played by national treasure, Margot Martindale) Grandma Ruby, come pick Miley up and put her out to pasture in Crowley Corners, because she’s reppin’ hardcore drugs now!!
Yep, AMERICA’s spunkiest bad girl crowbarred in a blatant coke reference! OMG YOU GUYS MILEY IS OFF THE CHAIN CRAY CRAY, FO REALZ! SHE CAN’T BE TAMED!!!
Behold, a coke-joke!
And everyone in line in the bathroom Trying to get a line in the bathroom We all so turnt up here Getting turnt up yea yea
The rest of the lyrics come off like the Facebook posts of an old white dude trying to “keep it gangsta.” You know the type, lots of bad grammar, non-words and yeeee-aaahs.
Personally, this song didn’t make me want to binge drink while sweatily grinding on a horrified innocent bystander, which is my usual litmus test for a good song. Heck, I didn’t even wanna Jazzercise to this boring and incoherent nonsense, but to each his own.
For all I know, you drunk sluts are already crotch-bumping a Ronald McDonald statue to this hotmess of a track. Afterall, y’all frequent THIS clap-trap hobo parlor of a website, so you’re already minus one in the taste department.
One thing is for certain, Miley Cyrus is chittering her chompers (laughing) all the way to the hollowed out tree (bank.) While this hater is always gonna hate, It’s a sad fact that she’s richer than your landlord. But don’t let it get you down.
Though she’s a several times over multi-millionaire and has been since her teens, she’s gonna have to take care of Billy Ray Cyrus in his fast approaching old age. Why, his mullet care alone will nearly bankrupt her!
5 urine-soaked bus tokens says Ke$ha is going to get into a feud with Miley over this song. Because let’s face it, that goblin mastered this kind of trash years ago.