Introducing, The BEARDBOARD

Fast food chain A&W has decided to blaze a hairy trail in advertising. In a revolutionary/revolting move, they have begun advertising on BEARDS.

The Beard-board, in all of it's unwashed glory.

The Beard-board, in all of it’s unwashed glory.

Got a face full of long, luscious, hair? Shimmy on over to the good folks at A&W and they will pay you 5 dollars a day to clip a promotional button on your beard and wear it around town.

While some are lauding this as a brilliant stroke of advertising genius, I’m rather dubious about the entire thing.

See, when I see a face sweater, AKA beard, I think one of two things…

1. Let me root around in my purse and give this poor bum a coupla bucks towards his next bottle of Thunderbird.


2. F*cking Hipster.

Yes, I know I’m excluding a litany of various, fine and upstanding beards, but what can I say? Facial hair tolerance is not my strong suit.

Matter of fact, years before we began permanently making out, L4L and I were platonic pals. He had a beard and therefore was forever in my friend zone. I never even considered giving “Grizzly Addams” a shot at the Big Leagues because he was bearded and I couldn’t wrap my mind around the mechanics of extracting a kiss from those swirling locks.

Fast forward 12 years of a clean-shaven,  school boy faced, L4L and I STILL shock friends and family when I whip out his old Driver’s licence photo.

That being said, if L4L suddenly sneezed and sprouted his former mattress of mahogany glory, I’d love him just the same and still be on him like Fleet Week 2012.  What can I say? Love will turn you around.

Turn you around.

Turn you around.

But enough about me and my face-pube hangups. Let’s put our noggins together and think of other potential beard-vertisting opportunities!!!

Take note, titans of  the Ad-industry, here’s a quick list of other companies and advertising oppertunities where a beard-board would do wonders…GET UP ON THESE HOT LEADS!


Perfect Future Beard Clip Advertising Clients


1. Whole Foods


‘Nuff Said!


2. Van Camp’s Pork and Beans, the official bean of Hobos, Tramps, and Rail-Riders since 1861!

Good to the last bean slice.

Good to the last bean slice.


3. The Mountain Man Olympics

Cappy and Whiskers are going for the golden spittoon this year.

Cappy and Whiskers are going for the golden spittoon this year.


4. Tupperware

( I know it seems random, but when you consider beards are nature’s original FLAVORSAVER, it makes PERFECT sense.)



5. Any future album releases by the king of “Tight and Right,” facial hair, Kenny Rogers.

Kenny Rogers BEFORE


6. And of course, Pabst Blue Ribbon.




Hey advertising world: I’ve got an additional GENIUS marketing tip for you…why not expand into the lucrative world of LEG HAIR!? Why, just on my gams alone I’ve currently got enough flowing mane to advertise from here to Christmastime!

Quilts of ad-gold!

Quilts of ad-gold!

Why stop there? Heck, if the “free with her body” nude elderly woman at the steam sauna in my gym’s locker room has anything to do with it, it’ll be no time before companies come a knocking to utilize her expansive gardens. By, “expansive gardens,” of course I’m talking about her powerbush. Seriously, the woman always looks like she’s holding a plain snocone over her crotch. And WHHHHYYYYY does she insist on talking to JUST me!? It must be because she senses my Kryptonite is chatty strangers, try as I may…I’m forced to nod and smile with a plastic joker-like grin of horror, whilst I try not to look below her equator, or above it, for that matter.

Put it away, Nana.


 via Business Insider


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