Say there pretty babies, have you sometimes found yourself wishing you had more than one fast food offered seasonal pig snout and yoga mat sandwich? Forgive me, let me restate the question.
Ever hoped there were MORE McRIBS in this world? Yeah, me neither.
Well, one of you a-holes out there wished for it, and like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters, Gozer the Gozerian has heard your feeble requests and made it so. In mere days our civilization will be threatened by a new disgusting “rib” sandwich crashing down the block.
Burger King, the constant dust eater of McDonald’s, has announced that later this month they are launching the BK Rib Sandwich. The abomination is a pressed “pork” sandwich, slathered in tangy BBQ “sauce,” formed in the shape of “ribs,” on a sweet “bread” bun. If the sarcastic quotes around the previous food words is making your head hurt, let me just break the monstrosity down for you.
Pig parts we don’t usually consider eating + diabetes glaze + springy lumps + all encased in an amalgamated mass of carbohydrates and high fructose that will literally never mold = THE BK RIB SANDWICH!!!
Did I mention that just like McDonald’s, Burger King is throwing a few sad and embarrassed pickle slices on it too!? GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE!
Look, I’m a BK Hater from way back. Those stupid paper crowns were the go-to cheap kid’s craft of my time. Raining outside? Throw some glue, glitter and stray macaroni noodles from the floor of the pantry and VOILA, every stay at home mom of the 80’s thought they were f*cking Mary Poppins.
But more than that, it’s the terrible food. Yes, I know technically all fast food is terrible food, but BK is synonymous with bad for you stuff that DOESN’T EVEN TASTE GOOD.
Whopper? No way. If I wanted to taste boiled shoe leather festooned with black “chargrill” lines drawn on it with a sharpie marker, I’d just have dinner with Hobo Jim. Of course, Hobo Jim’s out of the question because he and I had a terrible falling out over how slices his beans.
Burger King, I hope America meets your new mystery meat offering with general disgust and avoids it like the plague. THIS WORLD DOES NOT NEED ANYMORE BBQ-THEMED EDIBLE TRAMPOLINES.
And for all of you contrary contrarians who want to expound upon the superiority of Booger King, just save it. There’s no way a human being naturally enjoys burger king. It defies the laws of our universe, even the weird obscure ones only Neil deGrasse Tyson knows about.
(Thanks to all who sent this in!)