Stress ‘Tubing is a Thing, Right?

What’s the strangest way you deal with stress?

No, I’m not talking about binge eating, drowning your sorrows in booze, or ingesting hoards of magic mushrooms, those are all fairly conventional ways humanity copes with stressful situations. No, I want to know the most bizarre or unexpected way that you “deal.”

Polka dancing? Lint sculpting? Horticulture? Surely you find refuge in something embarrassing.

As for myself, I’m a stress you-tuber.

This past week, my house became a regular Niagara Falls of vomit. In between buckets of pine sol and comforting “Mom” embraces, our home started to resemble all those frat houses I was a staple at in the early 00’s. Along the way, Angry Baby decided to kill my iPad2, a gift from a few years ago. I say “my iPad,” loosely, because once she discovered the child-friendly apps upon it, AB absconded with it and has lovingly referred to it as her “IPAH-IPAH-IPAH-IPAH-IPAH,” for over a year now.

iPad died on Sunday, and while Lover fo’ Life, my tech in shining armored case, has brought it back to life, the nerd at the “Apple genius bar,” told him we’re on borrowed time. Needless to say, until my new  “Lifeproof Case,” for the stupid thing comes in, Angry Baby has been without her trusted learning/entertainment tool.

I know, I know, first world problems, right? Well, I don’t f*cking care that I sound like the whitest and entitled whining suburbanite right now. It’s been rough. (MY SITE MY RULES FREEDOM OF SPEECH, LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME!)

About 200 times a day my furious tiny despot will begin a march around the house yelling: “IPAHIPAHIPAHIPAHIPAHIPAHIPAH,” while doing this, she also takes it upon herself to open every drawer, cabinet and dump over every toy bin “looking” for the stupid thing. It’s pretty overwhelming because homegirl is relentless.

So, in my down time…I’ve been reduced to YouTube coping.

Stress ‘Tubing can involve any strange tangent I feel compelled to watch at the particular moment. Sometimes the natural pull of the interweb vortex leads me on an hour-long viewing of the site’s best Prank Fails,” but often, I cling to the past.

Obscure cancelled sitcoms, long-forgotten holiday television specials, old footage of favorite Walt Disney World attractions, and my current stress-obsession, vintage 1980’s commercials. All of these are my go-to panaceas.

There’s something comforting about being an adult watching the crap they targeted at us and our parents back in the day. Simpler time? Perhaps. For me the oddly familiar comfort of a “Taster’s Choice Switcharoo Gag,” makes the present seem far more manageable. Yeah, I know…it makes no sense whatsoever. I never promised you ghouls that I was a sane person.

Yesterday, during a particularly brutal non-ipad supplemented nap time for AB, I found myself watching late 80’s toy commercials. That’s when I came across one of the most WTF toys Mattel released under the Barbie brand. Say Hello to “Teen Time Skipper.”

The teen years never looked more awful.

The teen years never looked more awful.

Skipper is the flat-chested troll doll that also happens to be Barbie’s wink wink Little Sis.

Oh sure Mattel, Let’s ignore the fact that when Teen Time Skipper hit the toy-stroll, Barbie was in her late 20’s. There’s a 100 percent chance the “somewhere between 13-15yo” Skipper is Barbie’s love child with GIJoe.

That’s correct, GI Joe is who fathered Skipper, not Barbie’s long-time boyfriend for the cameras, Ken.

As it’s already been well documented, her royal highness Princess Ken isn’t into humping on ladies.

Looks like someone's "top hat fancy!"

Looks like someone’s “top hat fancy!”

Make no mistake, Ken loves Barbie, but in a non-sexual way. Barbie is Ken’s glamazon best gal-pal. She’s the one he goes out with (her purse holds wet-wipes and chapstick like a dream!) and the person he quotes Sordid Lives to.

Oh sure, when she’s not in the room (and after he’s had a few Dewar’s and Tab colas) he talks sh*t about Barbie, particularly her past career choices “Astronaut?! Only because she blew the whole Pentagon!” but Ken is her life-long friend till the end.

Girlfriend, please.

Girlfriend, please.

As I was saying, Skipper is Barbie’s weird-looking teenage “sister.” Where Barb is beautiful and built, Skip is awkward and sexless.

Throw her in too much tulle slap a strange shirt on her and Skipper Morphs into the “Teen Time” version of her boring self. (She ALSO transforms her outfit into a nightgown!)

She's not the look.

She’s not the look.

Please take a moment to watch the horrible sound and picture quality commercial:

A few things about the promo spot:

1. The font Courier, was a COOL TREND in the 1980’s

2. Skipper’s best friend Courtney. Oh Courtney!

Chopin' wood for the fire that burns in her heart for Skipper.

Chopin’ wood for the fire that burns in her heart for Skipper.

With that frizzy brown cotton ball of a hairstyle and those Sally Jesse Raphael glasses, you aren’t fooling anyone. It’s obvious you’re a total lez just waiting for the right moment to tell Skipper that you love her.

3. This is officially the first slumber party with nighty clad nubile young women that I sincerely hope NO PILLOW FIGHTS break out at. The foot touch they did towards the end of the commercial was so not hot. Normally teen on teen late 80’s action does it for the world, but these two are hideous.

 

After 5 seconds of research on the interwebs, I learned that “Teen Time Skipper” and “Her BEST stalker Friend Courtney,” came with a litany of accessories. Teen-oriented accessories like, Alarm clocks, notepads and cans of soda. Oh, those simple 1980’s.

Parents of the 80’s could also shell out extra bucks for the “Sleep ‘N Study College/Studio!”

While most college students do not sleep OR study, when you look like a melted candle in a fright wig as Skipper and her loving best friend do, you’d best focus on getting the best education while in college.

No ma'am.

No ma’am.

After slipping into the Teen Time wormhole, I found the cares and worries of 2013 grown azzed adult me, had vanished. Stress levels were reduced and life could resume beating my sanity into a bloody pulp. Sure, my lovely home looks like that of a stage 2 hoarder, and my child is a broken record lamenting the IPAH (iPad) she almost completely murdered…but at least I’m not Skipper or her Home Depot frequenting Pal. And more importantly, it’s no longer “Teen Time,” for me.

One question remains however.

If Mattel decided to resurrect the “Teen Time,” brand for current youth…what would she look like Today? My guess is “Teen Time Current Day Skipper,” would involve a mini-skirt up to her crotch, tons of body glitter, a pack of “Plan-B,” a pamphlet on the dangers of “The Choking Game,” and of course, an iPad.

And that, my friends, is called full circle.

 


Comments

Stress ‘Tubing is a Thing, Right? — 4 Comments

  1. I had to have astronaut Barbie for the boots! First thing I did was strip her down and redress her to match those wonderful boots!

  2. Well apparently you can’t dump multiple cans of coke, juice boxes, macaroni, and other non-descript sticky gunk into it repeatedly over the course of months without some repercussions. Even with a “ruggedized” case there are limitations. We have a new lifeproof case on order…maybe that will do the trick.

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