Tell Mom She’s a Drunk in One Cliche Gift

Sunday is Mother’s Day, the one day of the year we thank the Jackals that gave birth to us. While most of the year you ungrateful brats give your mom nothing more than gum smacks and eye-rolls, Mother’s Day is the time when we actually honor the ol’ nag.

Mine has a gold medal in Judging.

Mine has a gold medal in Judging.

Because you never call or write, and when you DO visit, you’re on a stupid “smart phone” for 90% of the time, I’m here to remind you that you really need to do something nice for the old lady this year. Today being Friday, there’s STILL TIME.

Sure, the dusty Whitman’s sampler box of waxy chocolates and a cheap card from the gas station will usually suffice for your selfless saint of a parent, but why not kick it up a notch this year?

Enter 1-800-Flowers…

The floral titans have designed quite possibly the most ludicrous line of floral bouquets since the unnaturally colored roses trend of the late 1990’s.

Say hello to the “Happy Hour Flowers Collection!” Each arrangement is served in an oversized cocktail glass and is themed after booze.

First up, is a Sangria designed bouquet, makes sense because Sangria is the international Mother Grooving to Josh Groban on the patio at sunset, beverage.

Moms love sangria (and Groban.)

Moms love sangria (and Groban.)

 

Mom’s not a Sangria fan? No worries, here’s a bunch called, “Mommy’s Time Out.”

 

Girlfriend, please.

Girlfriend, please.

Full Disclosure: Mommy’s time out is a fun way that I tell friends I’m getting ripped on a handle of Old Granddad Whiskey.

“What do you have on tap for the weekend, Cribsy?”

“Oh, I’m going to take a little Mommy’s time out, drunkenly yell at inanimate objects and scream-cry to the soundtrack of Air Supply’s Greatest Hits on repeat. You know how we do!”

Crappy flowers and inedible hot pink floral gel never comes into the picture. Sorry “Mommy’s time out bouquet,” you are NOT the look.

Moving on…

For the Elvis Fan/ Blue Curacao enthusiast mom there’s always the Blue Hawaiian Bunch

Those fake pineapple rings are stealing the garnish spotlight.

Those fake pineapple rings are stealing the garnish spotlight.

 

Because no list of “Mom Drinks,” would be complete without Margaritas, here’s the flower non-alcoholic, and un-fun version of the good stuff.

Arriba!

Arriba!

 

Husbands, why not use Mother’s Day as an excuse to try and get your freak on, with the creepily titled, “Love Potion,” arrangement. Be warned however, “love potions,” are what got her into the whole mess of motherhood in the first place. TREAD LIGHTLY, FELLAS!

I'm miffed there's not one mention of the number 9.

With a sidecar of K-Y Jelly, please.

 

Love your mom as much as you love our great country? Then say so with the RED WHITE AND BOOZE patriotic fake-drink bouquet.

USA!USA!USA!USA!

USA!USA!USA!USA!

 

And because Mom is the only person still ordering Apple Martini’s, here’s the Apple Martini arrangement.

Apple Martini's haven't been a thing since the early 00's.

Apple Martini’s haven’t been a thing since the early 00’s.

Fun Fact: Gwyneth Paltrow lurves to go on and on about how perfect and wonderful she is. If you haven’t hate-read the nonsense she sh*ts from her fingertips, check out her blog. Anywaspywasps, as high and mighty as Gwynnie pretends to be, she named her 1st kid, Apple Martin. AKA Just one “I” away from Apple Martini. Proving like the rest of us, Gwyneth’s just one case of crotch crabs and a stolen pack of hotdogs away from being back in the trailer park.

One of us.

One of us.

Moving on, let’s say your mom is into sophistication and refined finer things. If so, they have just the thing for you. ARRANGEMENTS IN A BRANDY SNIFTER!

There’s the timeless Roses in a Brandy Snifter…

Stunning.

Stunning.

But if you REALLY want to go all class, here’s an arrangement of orchids titled “Sophistication Straight Up.”

Forget Courvoisier, this is how you do it.

Forget Courvoisier, this is how you do it.

 

You know what? Why not skip the pretense and get your mom something she’ll REALLY like…The ability to go to the bathroom without being followed in or asked questions right outside the door.

OR

Might I suggest you make the Harpy in your life an ACTUAL Boozequet? Simply raid your local craft store for a few supplies, pick up her favorite mini-bottles of booze and voila, after a few hours of teeth gnashing, you’ll have a delightful gift that she’ll actually enjoy. Here’s a photo of a boozequet I made and gave to a good friend in the hospital right after she had a baby.

Voila!

Voila!

See what I mean? All class and about the same cost as the above glass monstrosities.

Too lazy to craft? Just get her a bottle of hard alcohol, a Michael Buble Concert DVD and a 12 pack of Tab Cola. You’ll hands-down beat your siblings in the AWESOME CHILD department.

Cat nip for Moms.

Cat nip for Moms.

via


Comments

Tell Mom She’s a Drunk in One Cliche Gift — 3 Comments

  1. L4L can positively confirm the validity of the following statements….

    “Oh, I’m going to take a little Mommy’s time out, drunkenly yell at inanimate objects and scream-cry to the soundtrack of Air Supply’s Greatest Hits on repeat. You know how we do!”

    I am one lucky guy!!! <3

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *