Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s are Being Sued (Insert Smug Grin)


No, they aren’t being sued for making kale seem glamorous, trafficking tofu or harboring rich a-holes too good for the Sack N Save. Whole foods and Trader Joe’s are being sued for something far more dastardly and exciting.

The two biggest sluts in the grocery gouging game are accused of selling candies that contain LEAD.

Comin' attcha!

Comin’ attcha!

The state of California requires all foods with even the slightest amount of lead be labeled. After a round of tests, it was allegedly found that the two hippy dippy chains were selling candied ginger and plum tainted with alleged lead, and failed to say one recycled word about it to the consumers.

I’m not surprised.  Why? Because both Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s hate fatties who love sweets.

Ever try to buy a Snickers at a Whole foods? To ask an attentive staff member where the candy bars are is like salting a slug on the sidewalk.

Inevitably, the staffer will shuffle their Birkenstocks over to a sad and lonely aisle in the very back of the store. Once there they will direct you to a few limited and sad attempts at healthy candy bars with un-clever names like “Soy-Milky Whey,” and “Clarified Butter Fingers.” To make matters worse, your mocklate and vegan nougat bar will set you back ten bucks a pop. It’s the worst.

You can bet your High Fructose corn syrup pure cane sugar bliss, that these healthy haters are sharpening their free-trade shivs, just waiting to shank candy enthusiasts. It’s only a matter of time before they passive-aggressively murder us all.

Ask me where the Velveeta is and see what happens.

Ask me where the Velveeta is and see what happens.

And since we’re suing Whole Foods, can someone also file a separate grievance about the music they play over the PA. If brand-conscious jerks want to pay through the nose for everyday sh*t, fines with me. But there’s no need for the store to torture the world by playing a constant loop of Jack Johnson, Peruvian Pan flute and Dave Matthews Band.

If I’m buying reusable dolphin-safe maxi pads, or canned mushroom farts, I don’t need Jack Johnson doing vocal jazz over ukulele music. We get it guys, you’re mellow and chill. Even though you sell groceries, and everyone knows grocery shopping is a form of hell best suited for Gitmo, there’s no need to torture the customers with Dave Matthews trying (and failing miserably) to sing like an old black man.


Make special note of the Sweet Sax at the 2:36 mark. This particular saxophone solo is the soundtrack to all my lengthy dumps.



Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s are Being Sued (Insert Smug Grin) — 2 Comments

    • BWAHAHAHAHAHA! To quote the incomparable Roderick Stewart, “Have I told you lately that I love you?”

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