Miley Cyrus, Y’all.
I really don’t get the whole look she’s going for these days. Sorry, if that makes me a hateful hater who loves to be cruel to woodland creatures, so be it.
First, Miley dumped the weave and lopped her locks off, which truthfully, looked super cute at first, but now she seems to be channeling a young Pink circa 2002. Which, as anyone old enough to remember knows, was not the look.
In an effort to further prove she’s not that innocent, Miley had a photo shoot with Mario Testino for V magazine. Because you’re too busy having a real life, you might not already know that Mario Testino is a pretty famous fashion photographer who specializes in photos of people doing ho-stuff.
Mario is a pansexual panther who loves to see his subjects slut it up. (Do yourself a solid and Google image search “Mario Testino Sexy,” on your phone.)
Well, because the movie “Chipwrecked,” really moved him, Mario decided to put young Miley out to trot on the slutwalk for her V magazine pictorial. The end result is not so much hot as it’s making me long for the days of parents kicking eachothers asses for Hannah Montana Concert Tickets.
Either get out your pervascopes or avert your eyes, the FOLLOWING IMAGES CANNOT BE UNSEEN.
(You were warned)
(This blog is not to blame if you suddenly develop a desire to drink dew from leaves and shell a 5 pound bag of walnuts nuts to store away for the winter.)
Just a coupla things:
1. Mario Dropped the ball on the cover shot, he should have made babygirl do the “Al Bundy” with her hand. Matter of fact, they should have gotten Ed O’Neil to do the V cover as his old sitcom character Al Bundy, instead of Miley. (With his unzipped polyester pants and all.)
2. Friendly Tip: If you want people to find you sexy, an unsexy wrist cuff that says “Sexy,” is not working towards that goal.
3. I don’t know how to feel about seeing Miley’s under jugs. I really did not expect to see this pasty nonsense in my face today.
4. What in the lost and found box at a Leather Bar hell is she wearing!? Studded butt cheek shorts, tightie blackies, and LA Gear Brand Jeans from 1992 all have a place in this world, just not on Miley Cyrus.
OH MILEY! YOU’RE SO TOUGH and HOT! You’re ALL GROWN UP, AND SEXY, AND MATURE, AND EDGY, and richer than all of us combined, forever. You can stop convincing us how metal you are and go back to your granny’s farm in Crowley Corners. You know, the town you saved by playing an impromptu concert that raised all money.
Ok, I’ll admit it, I got drunk one night and watched The Hannah Montana Movie. It co-starred living legend and family friend, Margot Martindale…I was powerless.
Milez, I’m sick of seeing your cinnamon buns and nuclear white summer camp titties. Put it all away and play yourself off the ho-stroll with those piano keys you have for chompers, then sing “The Climb” to yourself in the mirror until you realize you don’t have to prove anything to anyone.
Let’s face it girlfriend, Billy Ray Cyrus is no Dina Lohan, and you’ll never be Britney. Just walk away from the Disney Starlet Choo-Choo Trainwreck of insanity that you’re toying with boarding.
I BELIEVE IN YOU, MILEY CYRUS!