You’ll have to forgive me, all these years I’ve not been giving Reese Witherspoon her due.
Thanks to adorable film roles and knockout red carpet moments, I just assumed I would have stolen Reese’s lunch money if we were in high school together. Yes, I can quote Legally Blonde (1&2), ELECTION(!), Sweet Home Alabama, Walk the Line, Man in the Moon and Cruel Intentions, all verbatim, but I always shrugged the star off as someone I wouldn’t want to have on my team in a knife fight. You know, one of those goody-goody nice girls.
Well, it appears that I was 100% wrong and I now know the truth. This b*tch is just as crazy as you, me and the proverbial rambling dude on the bus who always smells like onions and cat pee. Matter of fact, Reese channeled her inner Marky Mark’s Character in the 1996 classic film she starred in, Fear.
Late as balls Friday night, Reese and her husband, Mr. Elle Woods were pulled over in his Ford Fusion (yes, really) because homeboy was driving like a drunk mess. I’m not saying he was weaving, but the Navajo blanket his tires fashioned out of asphalt speaks volumes.
While the Georgia cops were giving Mr. Witherspoon the once over and a field sobriety test, Reese decided to speak her peace. But she was super drunk, so it mostly came out as belligerent nonsense. When the officer told her to pipe down she refused and got out of the car, claiming “it was her right as an AMERICAN to STAND ON AMERICAN GROUND!”
Sgt. Buzzkill then instructed Spoonie to get her fresh-faced good looks back in the car, or else. She refused and pulled her trump card by asking the cop if “he knew who she was?”
Oh lerd gurl, you just won the hearts of every degenerate alcoholic that reads grouchymuffin!
Standing by your man is classic. But standing by your unbeWEAVEable husband while claiming your RIGHTS AS AN AMERICAN and pulling the old “do you know who I am!?” Well, it gets you an A+ in hotmess express foolery!
Truth be told, often in a drunken rage I’ll roll out of a Ford and yell, “do you know who I am!?” Of course, it’s a Ford Pinto and usually it’s to a bunch of smelly hookers who try to cut me in line at the docks close to quitting time…so technically, I’m the Reese Witherspoon of dock whores.
Officer No Fun then told Reese the biggest lie uttered since, “I loved Water for Elephants,” and CLAIMED HE DIDN’T KNOW WHO SHE WAS! The future villain in all her upcoming movies handcuffed Reese and arrested her for disorderly conduct.
Um, why didn’t the hater just do what the rest of the world would’ve done with a drunk Reese Witherspoon: put her in his shirt pocket, give her a Snackwells and threaten to arrest her for stealing his heart!?
Ms. Witherspoon, please accept my apologies for writing you off as a do-good glam girl. You’ve truly got the drunk chops to roll with me and my crew.
That being said, I think I’m going to celebrate our newest member in the sisterhood, by hopping a midnight greyhound bus to Georgia. Once on the bus, and over the course of several montages set to Motown hits, I’ll “find myself.” Sure, the only “Oscar “I’ll get to take home is some walrus of a man I allow to “woo” me on the bathroom floor of the bus station, but Reese needs my support now more than ever.
The good news is, our new hero and her good time groom quickly bailed out of jail. The bad news is, they are no doubt still nursing one helluva hangover. Reese has already come out and said, “I sowwwy,” she also admitted that she’s “deeply embarrassed,” by the incident.
Nice try, sweetcheeks. You best start filling your sports bottles with vodka, wearing body glitter, and getting into fistfights with bouncers named “Tiny,” because in case you haven’t noticed, you’re living in bad girl world now.
Let this be a lesson to everyone, couples that drink together, go to the clink together. Swoon, true love!
via The Twist