Go Drink Yourself, New Kool-Aid Man

If I were to ask you to name the greatest childhood drink mascot, no doubt some silly skanks would say the Nestle Quick Bunny. To you fools I say, “try again.”

Why is this hairy a-hole pooping in a bowl?

Why is this hairy a-hole pooping in a bowl?

There’s only one, morbidly obese, red in the face, clearly sloshed man that fits the title of BEST KID BEVERAGE MASCOT, and his name is Kool-Aid Man.

For years, Kool-Aid Man has been a wall-bustin’, gruff talkin’, radical dude. Why, he’s even been known to sport the international symbol for “big fat party animal,” the Hawaiian shirt.

USA!USA!USA!

USA!USA!USA!

Well, because everything awesome must be screwed up by marketing tweaks, the folks at Nabisco have decided to give Kool-Aid man a new look and personality. Take a good hard look at the reboot and mourn another piece of your childhood dying.

Girlfriend, please.

Girlfriend, please.

New Kool-Aid Man is nude, computer generated and slimmer than his past incarnations. A product that is essentially sugar-water and helps pave the road to Childhood Type 2 Diabetes, now has a slimmer mascot…that’s rich.

In addition to being slightly creepy and having swollen hands that suggest he loves barfighting, New Kool-Aid Man also is going to have a more fully developed personality, and will star in a series of Ads focusing on what it’s like to be Kool-Aid Man.

I can’t with this sh*t.

Why won’t they just let Kool-Aid Man be great? Before they decided to throw him a Slim Fast and implant a personality ice chip, Mr. Man had it all figured out.  He was the portly, silent type who insisted on breaking down barriers for children with unquenchable thirsts. While his choice of vocabulary was limited, Kool-Aid Man shared a wealth of emotions and refreshing times with the youths.

I love you just the way you are.

I love you just the way you are.

And now? The face of sugar, red dye, and more sugar, is a tarted up healthy slut.

Homeboy even has his own Facebook profile.

It's like I don't even know you.

It’s like I don’t even know you.

New Kool-Aid dude, you’re a stranger to me. Never again will I accidentally inhale you while I’m making a pitcher of your cavity causing slurry. Sorry bro, but I’m forever breaking up with you, we’re donezo.

That being said, if you and your ‘Bisco crew ever decide to bring back Sharkleberry Fin flavor, all will be forgotten and I will buy that shiz by the case.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

 

via NPR (We’s smart n’ sophisterated!)


Comments

Go Drink Yourself, New Kool-Aid Man — 2 Comments

  1. I was just wondering, while eating Frosted Flakes, do food companies develop NEW mascots? I’d say that about 98 percent of all food mascots haven’t really changed in at least 30 years. Discuss …

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