Spring Breakers is The Greatest Film Ever Made (SPOILERS)

Yesterday L4L and I caught a screening of Spring Breakers. I’ve been meaning to see it since stills of all those hotties in bikinis made their way to the internet late last year. However, it was a friend’s plea that made me finally seek out a showing. The pal in particular is coincidentally one of the coolest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. From books to tunes and even food, this cat knows where it’s at, and last week he sent me the following message:

“I need you to go see Spring Breakers and tell me what you think. I think it was amazing, but I need a second opinion.”

I’m going to begin this post by asking every past Oscar winner to kindly return their statues back to the Academy so that they might be melted down.

From the gold-plated molten, a massive Oscar statue will be forged, “one to rule them all.” The giant Academy Award will then be awarded to Spring Breakers, AKA the GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE.

spring breakers

It starts as every movie should, with buxom spring break revelers topless on a beach being showered with beer. The beach side party of naked ladies with unworthy dudes is the quintessential spring break tableau..

spring-break beach

During this opening footage we’re also introduced to the uncredited cast member and plot device, dub step drop. Every time you hear the dub step drop, you get to see a supple set of cantaloupes. Throughout the movie, magical dub step drop brings us several random, yet super hot and extremely nude beach party scenes.

The story begins at a small college where four life-long friends are suffering from boredom.

Selena Gomez plays a character named Faith. She’s the stock character that every GIRLS GONE BAD movie needs: a goody two shoes who’s too busy clutching her bible, innocence and Hello Kitty blanket, to be naughty. The childhood chums are another story.

Candy, Brit and Cotty are the three musketeers of terrible ideas.

Ashley Benson plays Brit and Vanessa Hudgens is Candy, but the true star is Cotty, played by the director’s wife, Rachel Korine. Rachel repeatedly shares her breastiful bounty and is the only one of the four starlets that shows any real nudity.

Determined to go on Spring Break and “get out of this dull town,” the girls combine their cash only to realize that they don’t have enough money to really go anywhere on the break. Like all of us would, they steal a professor’s El Camino and rob a chicken shack using squirt guns filled with booze. Armed with plenty of green and a wild abandon, the ladies are living it up in St. Petersburg, Florida in no time.

Once they arrive, the girls find themselves partying non-stop in waves of drunken debauchery highlighted with bong rips, coke sniffs and twerking haunches. Speaking of, when did coke make a comeback? Last time I checked, the white powdered fuel of the go-go 1980’s was considered passé and something only nostalgic queens snorted.

During one particularly intense hotel-room bash, the cops bust in and break it up. Our bikini clad heroes are cuffed and thrown into a jail cell where they wait to be seen by the scariest character in the entire movie, a Floridian Judge.

The judge gives the girls a slap on the wrist and fines them for being underage drunk tramps. He explains if they don’t have the scratch to pay up, they can stay in the clink for a coupla days to ride it out. At the mercy of the court and wearing nothing more than neon dental floss, the ladies explain they don’t have any cash. They are escorted back to their cell.

Enter James Franco, playing the role of his career, Kevin Federline.

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Franco channeling K-Fed goes by the moniker, Alien. He’s an aspiring rapper who deals pot and considers himself a “gangsta with a heart of gold.” Alien is a St. Petersburg local festooned in awful tattoos, cornrows and a grill. He bails the ladies out and gives them a ride back to his place, a waterside home filled with tacky furniture and weapons. K-Fed insists on showing his new friends all of his “sh*t,” from nunchucks and cash, to tanning lotion, Alien is as his 90’s Camaro license plate says, a true “BALLR.”

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It’s at this point that an unsettling sense of foreboding sets in, and the viewer can’t help but feel something is about to go horribly wrong. Selena Gomez, er…Faith, feels it too and gets on a bus back to her old college life. Thus concludes the stock buzzkill character and the 3 “fun ones” are left.

Next up, Benson and Hudgens make James Franco fellate guns.

Tensest flirting ever.

Tensest flirting ever.

Alien runs into his childhood best friend turned rival in the St. Petersburg crime syndicate, played by Gucci Mane. Gucci ain’t got time for K-Franco and his stable of hos, and tells him to step the f*ck off his Marijuana game and go back to robbing dumb spring breaking kids, or else.

Alien follows his command and enlists the bad girls to help him. Wearing pink ski masks and assault rifles they unite at Alien’s white grand piano and sing Britney Spears’ classic song, “Everytime.”

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While the track plays on, we’re treated to a gorgeous montage of robbing hotties with a little ultraviolence thrown in for good measure, it’s pretty much the greatest Britney music video ever.

Well, all good things must come to an end, and Gucci Mane decides to take Alien out, but not without a taunting him one last time. Mane rolls up next to them on the St. Petersburg streets in a traffic cone orange Lamborghini, and has his goon fire some “warning shots,” with an Uzi. No one is killed, but busty Cotty does get hit in the arm.

As he extracts the bullet and she sobs nude on the shower floor, K-Franco vows revenge and promises to kill Gucci Mane for his foolery. Cotty’s flattered, but is scared straight and decides to make like Faith did previously, and GTFO.

All that is now left is Brit, the comely blonde and Candy, the busted mess. The trio decides to kill Gucci Mane as a team. But first, there’s an in-pool 2 on Franco sex scene.

Sorry Vanessa Hudgens, but you did NOT have the look in this movie. The frizzy bleach blonde hair with 2 inch black roots and the dishrag delivery of your lines, all made for the most implausible bikini babe since Rachel Ray posed for FHM.

Ahhh! My EYES!!! THEY BURRRRRN!!!!!

Ahhh! My EYES!!! THEY BURRRRRN!!!!!

I’m not kidding people, when the pivotal 3-way scene between Alien, Brit and Candy happened, I found myself wishing that director Harmony Korine had cast the bloated corpse of a Florida swamp possum in lieu of Ms. Hudgens. Dead Everglades vermin beats her in the hot contest, hands-down.

After boning, they all take a speed boat ride over to Gucci Mane’s Weed Barron Castle and storm his neon pink lighted dock. One of his crew members meets them and promptly puts a bullet in James Franco’s head. RIP Alien.

We'll never forget that you were once Mr. Brit Brit.

Gone but not forgotten.

The ladies, clad in neon yellow bikini’s and those pesky pink ski masks and guns move toward Gucci’s private paradise, murdering every last crew member they encounter. In this last bright shining moment of crime, the girls are invincible.

final

After an 8+ body count, they happen upon Mane in a hot tub, watching a curvy latina and dimple-rumped sister go at it in the shower. He is blissfully unaware that all his bros are dead and Mane’s brains are soon after decorating the wall.

Unscathed, and riding into the Florida sunset homebound in the orphaned Orange Lambo, the two reflect silently, looking every bit the typical hungover/rode hard/partied out/ Spring Breaker.

THE END.

Spring Breakers is the Citizen Kane of  jiggly beach bound co-ed softcore.

After an hour and a half of visual masterpiece, I’d best describe it as a music video with words, but not many. The stretches of sparse dialogue met with Korine’s combination of spliced footage, non-linear narrative, and soulless debauchery, made for a great flick. A movie so good, I’m actually going to purchase it on Blu-Ray (rather than just download it illegally.)

Any minute those dusty sluts at the Oscars will shut it down. Afterall, now that perfection has been attained, there’s no need to go chasing it any longer.

I leave you with my favorite quote from the film. A sentence so inspiring, I’m making a conscious effort to use it in my daily life.

“SPRAAAANG BRAAAAAKE”

Not a joke: for the past 24 hours since seeing the movie, any time I do something remotely fun or reckless, I yell it in my best Alien AKA K-Franco voice, I urge you to do so as well!

Example: “I’m having a tumbler of Vodka and a Big Mac for Dinner tonight, “SPRAAAANG BRAAAAAAKE!”

or

“My kid just whizzed her crib and now I’m washing her linens, SPRAAANG BRAAAAAAKE!”

 


Comments

Spring Breakers is The Greatest Film Ever Made (SPOILERS) — 5 Comments

  1. . I’m going to start saying “SPRAAAAANG BRAAAAKE!!!” every time I catch a glimpse in the mirror of my fading Texas tattoo (South Padre ’02…What What!). I’m glad to hear that you loved this trip to awesometown as much as I did. The final scene of The Sopranos made my opinion of Journey do a complete 180, and Spring Breakers may have done the same for Brittney Spears in my eyes. I too will be purchasing the blu-ray version, so I can say, “Look at my sh*t! I got Spring Breakers…ON REPEAT! Constant, y’all!”

    • ON REPEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLZ!

      Don’t think I’ve forgotten about SB 2002! Expect to read a wildly inaccurate recount of THE GREATEST SPRING BREAK STORY EVER, very soon!

  2. Maybe you have to see it to believe it, but this sounds like the WORST film ever made. Are you sure you didn’t accidentally type best but mean worst? It can happen.

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