Nobody is Lucky in Kentucky

Austin Whaley is an 18-year-old prankster from Covington, Kentucky with his entire adult life ahead of him. He and some of his pals decided to engage in a little fun and old-fashioned foolery at a local Bingo Hall.

“Bart Simpson 2” decided to enter the hall, filled with Senior Citizens and Bingo game enthusiasts, and yelled out a fake, “BINGO!”The crowded hall emitted a wave of sighs and lamentations at the perceived winning battle cry.

When they found out it was just for jokes, the old folks lost their false teeth and the spit hit the fan. They were outraged and the most low-key riot nearly occurred.

Nooooo!

Nooooo!

Seems pretty tame and hilarious, right? WRONG!

You see, Sgt. Richard Webster, a young and vibrant officer in the city of Park Hills, Kentucky was off the clock chilling at the bingo hall trying to get his “I-28, I-28” on, when the prank went down.

A Prankster's Worst Nightmare

A Prankster’s Worst Nightmare

Here’s how the Sargent described the scene:

“At first, everybody started moaning and groaning when they thought they’d lost,” Webster said. “When they realized it wasn’t a real bingo, they started hooting and hollering and yelling and cussing. People take their bingo very seriously.”

With chaos erupting around them, the teens attempted to flee, but Austin was nabbed and given a citation for 2nd degree tomfoolery disorderly conduct. The public servant explained:

“Just like you can’t run into a theater and yell ‘fire’ when it’s not on fire, you can’t run into a crowded bingo hall and yell ‘bingo’ when there isn’t one…”

Sgt. Webster went on to offer that if Mr. Whaley had just apologized to the people he duped it would have ended there.

But Austin felt it was within his rights to pull a fast one on Memaw and Pepaw. He wasn’t having any of that respect your elders nonsense and had to appear before a judge. 

 

District Judge Douglas Grothaus is obviously not into bingo, because rather than give the teen a $250.00 fine and up to 90 days in the clink, Judge Hrothgar Grothaus simply banned Austin from saying the word, “bingo” for 6 months. If Mr. Whaley can refrain from saying bingo for the allotted time, he’s in the clear and the charges will be dropped.

I don’t know about you, but not being able to say “bingo,” for half a year, would be TORTURE for me. You see, I love shouting “BINGO!” in various situations.

Scenarios like:

  • “Accidentally” douching a pedestrian with a massive rain puddle as you drive past them? BINGO!
  • Say you wanna flash truckers your world-class cans while traveling cross-country…make sure to shout “BINGO!” every time.
  • Finally got your #1 crush drunk enuff to sloppily make out with you? BINGO!
  • Your office arch nemesis, Sharon the cruel Office Manager with a penchant for Boss ball gargling, ate the donut you licked and rubbed on the break room floor when no one was looking. BINGO!
  • The jerk neighbor kid temporarily left his stupid RC car in your driveway, you notice this immediately and make sure you run over it, twice. As he rushes out to the wreckage screaming and crying, offer to exchange insurance information with him right before you yell, “BINGO!”

 

 

Sorry, Kid.
Sorry, Kid.

 

BINGO is a very important exclaimation for ne’er do wells like us. If it’d been me, I would have pled for jail time and the $250.00 fine. Jail for 90 days would be a welcome, group showering, relief rather than bidding adieu to bingo for SIX MONTHS.

The Truth: Austin Whaley should have gotten cited for trying to steal Florida’s headline glory. Let’s face it, if I came to you yesterday and said: “Hey, there was a near riot at a bingo hall due to a fake bingo shout,” you would instantly assume it occurred in Florida, America’s Drunk Uncle.

Meanwhile-In-Florida-Funny-Storm-Float

A marauding group of teen hooligans and all they could come up with was screwing with some old folks at a Bingo hall by fake bingo-ing? It’s a sad state of affairs for the youth of America.Kids today, I tells ya. Absolutely NO flair for the evil.

Instead they should have slipped Viagra into their tapioca pudding and spiked the sweet tea with ecstasy, put some Glenn Miller on the PA system and watched a hoard of elderly hump on each other like it was a rave at Burning Man.

 

BINGO!

BINGO!

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Comments

Nobody is Lucky in Kentucky — 4 Comments

  1. Friend: whose dog is that?
    Whaley: Oh, that’s the Farmer’s dog.
    Friend: what’s his name?
    Whaley: I’m not at liberty to say.

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