Science Can Now Read A Brain Scan to See Who You are Thinking About (Oh Crap.)

Better come clean about that unicyclist you dated all those years ago and still pine over today. While you’re at it, might as well share with your lover who you’re mentally picturing when you two make out, because it’s only a matter of time before the jig is up.




 A Research Team at Cornell University can now read a brain scan to see who you’re thinking of.

The brilliant bookworms fired up their MRI machines and conducted a study where they gave subjects descriptions of four completely made up people, including personality and social traits. They then asked the subject specific questions about the 4 fake-people, and were shocked to find that each of the 4 made up people had their own unique wave pattern in the subject’s brain. The team was able to identify who the test subject was thinking about by the pattern they transmitted. Here’s the detailed report if you’s smart and edjumacated-like.

I know what you’re thinking, and…yes, READING THOUGHT means we are one step closer to a terrifying future where our thoughts are easily accessed by a cruel overlord who bears a striking resemblance to Rutger Hauer.

We're f*cked.

We’re f*cked.

I’ve decided that before a bunch of smug eggheads can decode my brainwaves and share my inner thoughts with the world, I’m going to spill some beans pre-emptively. By beating them to the punch, I will avoid embarrassment by Science-y strangers, thus taking back control of my own humiliation.

Preemptive Strike: My Innermost Mind Questions Sure to Show Up on a Brain Scan

The following are the top issues I wrangle with silently on a regular basis.

Puzzlers like:

1. How many human farts would it take to fill a hot air balloon?

Up and away.

Up and away.

2. Are her cans real? Not that I’m opposed to fake sweater mounds, just curious.

3. Why does string cheese taste so much better that mozzarella, even though it is technically mozzarella?

Mysteriously superior.

Mysteriously superior.

4. Why are the elderly so terrible and mean? If I went around getting props for living a full life, complete with special discounts, I’d be funny and adorable, you know…like old people in movies.

5. How is it that Jennifer Love Hewitt still has a career and why has no one else noticed that she looks just like a Nanny Goat?


Just say nay!

6. If you make out with the dude at Quiznos for a free sandwich, will his archrival at Subway (who you hump on for free cold cut combos) feel a phantom tingle in his loinal region?

7. Why don’t cloggers and fiddle players just refer to themselves as “Hillbilly Tap-Dancers and Redneck Violinists?”



 8. Let’s say they accidentally leave Lil’ Kim in a hot car on a July afternoon. How long before her finely crafted face melts like a candle?

Lil' Kim now

9. How drunk do you think I’ll need to be to sit through your kid’s piano recital?

10. Why can’t the whole world be as classy and refined as the Juggalos?

Class Act.

Class Act.

11. Do you think this old turkey leg I pulled out of the fridge, is still good? I washed the mold off of it, so I should be “good to go” right?

12. When Justin Timberlake FINALLY dumps his boring and non-beautiful bride, how long before he comes to his senses and reunites with his one TRUE SOULMATE, Britney Jean Spears?

Y'all are always on my mind.

Always on our mind.


13. WHEN will my beloved Megalodon, AKA the Lord of the Deep, resurface and once again take his rightful place in the pantheon of LIVING TERRORS!? The Megalodon is not dead, y’all. He’s a stone-cold LIVING gangsta.

Fools better recognize.

Fools better recognize.

In conclusion, HA HA HA! The joke’s on you, smarty-pants at Cornell trying to read my brain!

And for the record: I am AGAINST Science reading our thoughts through brain scans.

Afterall, don’t those wheezy Science Queens know that there’s ONLY ONE person approved to tap into our most secret psyche? Of course, I am referring to the world’s treasure, Walter Mercado, Telemundo Psychic to the Stars







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