Last year was a dark time for snack cakes. Hostess, the go to brand for shame-eaters and drunks, went belly up. Twinkie the Kid, King Ding Dong and crew were tossed out into the cold made to sell their cream-filled bodies like common Ho-Hos to the highest bidder. At the time, Hostess vowed they would sell off the snack cake brands and the iconic treats would return.
And then our collective big buns had to live in a world without Twinkies for months and months. Dark times.
Well, in news that is sure to have fatties and bachelors rejoicing, Hostess has sold Twinkies, Dingdongs and Hohos. The new owners are Metropoulos & Co. and Apollo Global Management, they bought the delicious diabetes-causers for a combined 410 million dollars.
Those business savy sluts at the NEW Twinkies company know what our thighs need, and made a point to address the mourning consumers of the cakes. In a released statement CEO and founder Dean Metropoulos said the firm was looking forward to having “America’s favorite snacks back on the shelf by this summer.”
That’s just around the corner! Why, just yesterday I was yelling at our pool boy that he needed to “Put the doobies down and kick it up a notch, because suntan lotion season was coming before he knew it.” Homeboy muttered, “b*tch please,” gave me the same dirty look he always does and whizzed on the pool house after I left, he’s always so touchy.
SUMMER MY DARLINGS! It is but a saint’s whisper away!!!
Just think, in mere months we’ll be awash in a sea of whipped oil and high fructose corn syrup aka “cream filling!” Those tasty chemical concoctions will be back in time to cause us all to spill out of our swim wear!!!!
Most importantly: I CAN ONCE AGAIN MAKE MY BANANA PUDDING TWINKIE CASSEROLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Twinkie the kid will ride our moustaches once again! Ding Dongs and Hohos will resume to garner the respect that their distinguished names command! Like a true American fairytale, the Twinkie, born of convenience and gluttony, burned at the stake of health and financial ruin, has crawled out of the ashes, and is now huffing and puffing the small flight of stairs to a comeback.
Afterall, if we can put a man on the Moon and make Britney Spears hot again, we can do anything. USA!USA!USA!USA!
Don’t worry dear reader, as details of the returning delights are released, I’ll make sure you’re the FIRST to know! We’re almost there my babies, after a long and lonely dry spell, I’m happy to say: “We’re gonna be cramming DING DONGS in our mouth in no time!’
Welcome back, Twinkie the Kid, King Ding Dong and Common Hoho. I look forward to eating y’all very soon.
Congrats America, the dark times of no Twinkies are almost behind us: LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT!!!!!!!