Science Claims Beer Goggles Don’t Exist (“Yes They Do,” Says Every Frat Boy)

 Welp, you’re going to have to come up with a new excuse as to why you love to do it with hideous uglies when you’re drunk, because researchers have concluded that Beer Goggles are a myth.

Noooooooooooooooo!

Noooooooooooooooo!

The buzz-killing, excuse-removing a-holes at UK’s Durham University reported that the time-honored tradition of claiming booze caused you to hook up with that double bagger last night is all a sham. According to Dr. Amanda Ellison, alcohol doesn’t make people physically more desirable, it just makes the imbiber horny. Well, not in those exact words…here’s what she actually said:

“There is no imagined physical transformation, just more desire, Alcohol switches off the rational and decision-making areas of the brain while leaving the areas to do with sexual desire relatively intact.”

Well crap. There went the justification for the majority of my romantic encounters in college. I guess I’m just supposed to tell people I was a horny ol’ slut. Seems fair.

The good news, if there can be any silver linings gleaned from this buzz-kill of a science report is this: last year scientists in France found that booze makes you perceive yourself as more attractive and your confidence levels skyrocket after drinking. Well, Durrrrrrr.

Science, I think I speak for the world when I politely ask that you stop harshing our mellow. Beer goggles may be a myth or it may be these hos are jealous that they can’t get with this, regardless, focus on curing cancer or some sh*t like that. Leave the drunkards to justify our questionable hookups as we see fit.

Say it ain't so!

Say it ain’t so!

One last thing, I’d like to give a comforting pat on the back to Dr. Amanda Ellison’s parents. After all the years of toil and sacrifice they endured so that their daughter could become a Doctor, this is how she pays them back. What’s the point of having a Dr. Kid if you can’t brag about the work they are doing!?

“Oh Amanda’s doing all sorts of things with her advanced degrees, why just last week she proved beer goggles are a myth!” (Proudly said by no parent ever.)

You’ve got it all wrong people, beer goggles are a real thing. If they aren’t a real thing, well…then we all need to take a long, hard look at our lives and past indiscretions. Where’s the fun in that? No Thanks, its beer goggles and hastily delivered fluids for everyone!

They do exist, they do they do they do they do!

They do exist, they do they do they do they do!

 

 And an old classic example of BG’s in Action…

Oh lerd.

Who knew Janet Reno had such massive cans!?

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