Ever seen two chicks fight in a High School Cafeteria? The spectacle is part sad, part thrilling, with often a little hot thrown in. It’s quite a sight to behold.
The gal who starts the fisticuffs takes off all her jewelry and anything else that can get snagged up during the brawl. If she’s a skilled warrior, she’ll also put her hair in a tight bun (as not to get pulled) and will apply a thin layer of vaseline on her face to prevent getting scratched.
Inevitably, because it takes two to fight, the instigator drops in on her unsuspecting opponent and begins the beat down. I venture to guess at least 75-80% of the time the party planner, er…coordinator of the fight wins. Why? Because she was mentally and physically prepared to pull a b*tches hair out and go for the face. The initiating party usually gets the best hits in and more importantly shames the oblivious victim by sneaking up and taking them down.
I’m pretty sure that old slut Sun Tzu had a whole section on Girl Fight Preparation lined up for his classic, “The Art of War“, but he decided to keep the information to himself. Afterall, it’s much more fun to watch knockouts catfight inefficiently.
Today, just call me “Maury Povich test results,” cuz Imma ’bout to start a fight.
With this post I give a thrashing to a fool I’ve wanted to eviscerate with my words since she was a teenager. I’m referring to one and only rat-faced, crazy cat lady of Nashville, Taylor Swift.
Now that Taylor is a grown assed woman, it’s go time.
See, for years I’ve avoided sharing too much of my Taylorhate because frankly, there are far better things to goof on, plus I live in Texas.
Residing in Texas is usually a wonderful thing. However, when it comes to my loathing of current country music, I tend to offend friends and even a few family. Makes sense, as Taylor’s fan base is composed mostly of the following: tweens and teens, trashy ladies with unicorn tattoos, and anyone 2 six-packs into a night of binge drinking.
True Story: Swifty covered, “Last Christmas,” the timeless holiday carol by the gorgeous George Michael. I heard it for the first time while fireside on Thanksgiving night at the Ranch Pavillion. The family was having a great time drinking, talking, dancing and laughing, that’s when I heard her vile remake. Well, because I was pretty drunk (we ALL were) and feelin’ free…
I yelled out: “The only thing gayer than George Michael is Taylor Swift.”
Instantly, all the fun was sucked out of the party. It quickly recovered, but for a good 30 seconds I murdered our family fun by insulting Taylor.
So, I keep my T-Swift rants to myself (and L4L.) But that changes now.
In an interview with Vanity Fair, the princess of pop and schlock dispatched many a crazy things. I’m not going to type them out for you, because I’ve got an ass-beatin to hand out. Here’s a great article that sums up the cray-cray in Tay-Tay’s Vanity Fair piece.
The biggest nugget of wisdom we gather from the article is when the reporter asks her about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s gentle ribbing at the Golden Globe Awards back in January. Here’s what f*ckface said:
You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people, because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.
Oh. Hail. Naw. I know she just didn’t!
Listen, you terrible-singing, horrible song-writing, living American Girl Doll, I’m gonna need you to get down from your Holly Hobbie high horse and learn how to take life with a grain of sugar.
For those who don’t recall the joke, here’s the original yuk-yuk thrown at squinty McDuck:
Practically harmless, and hilarious I might add. Hardly worth damning someone to Hell and claiming they are setting women back.
Tina Fey has done more for womankind than Tay-Bag will ever, ever, ever, do. Hate women who listen to Chris Brown, or the dumbos who wear blue eyeshadow to be ironic, but don’t get it twisted: Tina and Amy are doing women a solid.
But ya wanna know what is not, “Helping other women?”
1. Being famous for dating a slew of dudes.
Then turning those failed make out attempts into “music” that sounds like it should be played in the background of a Tampon Commercial.
2. Insisting on living as if you’re still a teenager.
Hey Scarecrow, hate to break it to you, but you’re Twenty f*cking Three for crissakes. Yes, I understand you are a role model to young girls, and don’t want to be seen swilling Riunite… but why not model proper developmental growth? There is no good reason that most of America thinks you’re still 17. Growing into a responsible adult, free of: Herpes, track marks and huge mountains of credit card debt, is where it’s at, not pretending you’re 12.
3. Having to listen to your off-key goat warbles while I’m trying on clothes in any department store or visiting a restaurant bathroom.
4. Dating every dude in the Music business to get some press through staged photo-ops.
T-Catz, you have the sex appeal of an upper lip waxing strip, there’s no way all these dudes want to french kiss you. Here’s my Taylor Swift relationship equation, works every time:
Male who craves press or needs more fans + The lizard queen of Lisa Frank merchandise hoarding (Taylor) + Uncomfortable public outing with awkward display of affection = Relationship (for a maximum of 8 staged activity photo sessions.)
In reality, Taylor doesn’t know what it’s like to have a broken heart because her Malibu Ken Doll is always in her purse, and Mr. Tickles never ceases to purr when she brings him Meow Mix.
5. That time you acted like Kanye violated you because he interrupted your acceptance speech.
You would have thought Kanye took the stage, pimp-slapped Taylor and made her kiss his Gators the way the press (and Taylor) acted. All Yeezy did was tell the world what it already knew, Beyoncé’s sweet moves beat fake sweet Swift, always.
And the final thing that Taylor Swift is guilty of that DOESN’T HELP WOMEN is this:
6. Quoting Katie Couric
Ratsy has the entire quotable world at her fingertips thanks to her Hello Kitty smart phone, and the best she could do was pull a gem from Katie Couric?
Homeslice, you went to a gun-fight armed with a knife when you decided to respond to Tina and Amy with the woman who gave the world this sexydance photo.
You Fail, dummy.
In life, in the love department, in the sense of humor category and most importantly, in Cat Fancy’s yearly “Favorite Feline Celebrity Friend Poll.” Oh sure, you have your bags of money, little house on the prairie clothes and your growing family of cats, but you’ll always be a young Ms. Havisham to me.
Notify me when Taylor finally comes out as a late in life Lesbian, until then, she’s dead to me.
And to all the Memaws, drunk chicks, and vicious children who are thinking about sending me hate email for attacking such a pristine and perfect Daisy of virginity and virtue, save your energy. Besides, you can’t dot your I’s with hearts on the internet anyway…what’s the point?