The Great White North, Canada is starting to emerge as the hilarious drunk cousin to our Florida. Last month I wrote about a group of Canadian Teachers who duped a bunch of 8th graders into thinking they were getting to leave the country for a little while. And now, today…I bring you a tale that one would swear was straight outta America’s swamp, The Sunshine State.
LINDSAY, Ontario — A Canadian couple faces domestic assault charges after attacking each other with chips and dip after apparently fighting over the last beer. Police in Lindsay, Ontario, say they were called early Friday to a home where there had been 15 previously documented domestic disputes. When officers arrived, they found both people covered in chips and dip. A 39-year-old man and a 41-year-old woman face charges of domestic-related assault and will appear in court March 28. Their names were not released.
15 recorded cop visits!? Obviously, the neighbors thought the couple was back to fightin’ with each other, I think it’s safe to assume these two aren’t going to be walking on the beach hand in hand at sunset for the rest of their lives. Sorry kids, but y’all might want to break up.
I mean rough yourselves up all you want, but now that you’re bringing poor innocent chips and dip into the brawl? UNTHINKABLE. All that delicious snack potential wasted, and not even by two scantily clad beauties in a kiddie pool on YouTube.
Though I will say I can identify with the rage that comes with the last beer being consumed by someone but you. Matter of fact, I’m guilty of fighting my baby bro over the last beer a few weeks ago. Only our situation played out differently:
Me: Yo bro, bring me another brewski.
Baby Bro: This was the last beer (he’s down to backwash and bubbles.)
Me: WHAAAAAAT!? NOOOOO! You little jerk, how could you!?!?!?
Baby Bro: Here’s some rum dummy, just start drinking shots instead.
Me: What a great idea! Obviously genius runs in our family.
What are we going to do with you? You’re supposed to be welcoming and mild, that’s your role in this world. Do you have the stones to harbor gun-firing dogs, face eating tweakers, or chronic Wal-Mart genital flashers? My guess is no.
Canucks, heed my warning, and step off the American custom of drunken snack food related shenanigans or ELSE. Let’s face it, your people don’t have the sturdy backs and ample thighs to bear the burden of constantly having to bring the crazy to the world’s media stage. America is still #1 in many things, the first and foremost is #1 in making jackasses of ourselves.
That being said, let’s hear it for these two unnamed Canadian lovers, many cynics out there try to say that love is dead, and you my friends…are showing us all that ROMANCE STILL EXISTS.