My Own Private Heck (Starring Daniel Tiger)

Author’s Note: I’ve been meaning to write this post for a very long time.

 

My Own Private Heck (Starring Daniel Tiger)

This week marks the 10 year anniversary of Fred “Mister” Rogers passing. The sweatered old saint has been dead for 10 years now. My how time flies.

The man (and puppet) who started it all.

The man (and puppet) who started it all.

If you’ll recall the original PBS Program, Mister Roger’s Neighborhood, it was a sappy educational show that taught kids various things, from how crayons were made, to stressing the use of your child-like imagination, the “Hood,” had it all. Me personally? I hated Mister Rogers.

I found his delivery to be condescending and the lessons trite. Matter of fact, I recall being a toddler, no older than three, and hating the show so much, I mooned Fred through my TV set. Mother, shocked by my naked hiney asked, “What’s wrong!?” To which I screamed: “This show is for babies!” In my toddler mind he could see through the television, and Mister Rogers could take my mooning buns as a referendum on his program.

These days, I have a very spirited little toddler of my own, who’s in the process of paying me back for every past transgression I’ve unleashed on the world. From wiping her snotty nose on designer handbags to screaming at me 24/7, it’s safe to say karma has come to roost in my daily life.

Her agenda of cosmic torture is perhaps no more clear than when it comes to her television choices. The flashy commercials on Nick Jr. and Nickelodeon annoy her and save, “Ga-Ga,” aka Yo Gabba Gabba, all the shows Angry Baby enjoys are on the two channels PBS and Sprout. Which brings me to the insidious cruelty that she insists on each day.

September 3rd 2012, is the day that my life changed for the worse, the day HE came into my life. Who am I referring to? Daniel Tiger, star of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.

For those of you lucky enough to have never heard of this sonofab*tch, let me clue you in. Back in September of ’12, a reboot of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood debuted. Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood follows Daniel the tiger (in the orginal Mr. Rogers, he was a neighborhood of make-believe puppet who lived in a clock) as he interacts with all of the characters first made famous by the Fred Rogers so many years ago.

I'm back, b*tches!

I’m back, b*tches!

The show is entirely animated and completely evil in its ability to haunt yours truly.

Angry Baby watches and re-watches the same handful of Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood episodes EVERY DAY. Without fail. Somebody hire her at Gitmo, because after all these months, I’m about to check into an insane asylum.

To feel a moment of my pain, here’s a clip of “Tigeeeee” which is what it is jubilantly refered to as by certain small people in this house.

Now, imagine you get to hear that song 200 more times before the 22 minute program is over.  Pretty awful huh? You have no f*cking idea. The show insists on repeating songs throughout each and every episode, a new song for each horrible lesson. I tell you, it’s a brain-washing attempt, hell-bent on programing the adults of the world to drink heavily.

The worst offense? They left out the BEST AND HOTTEST part of the original Fred Rogers show, Lady Adeline, the most beautiful knockout in all of children’s television!

Take notes on how it's done!

Take notes on how it’s done!

The worst part? All those stupid songs Mister Rogers used to croon out every episode on his old show, have been dug up from the grave and given an unholy new life. It seems the person I first mooned in my lengthy life of being a nefarious ne’er do well, Fred Rogers, is having a laugh at my expense. Of course, this cements my postulation that he was a earth-bound Demon sent from the fires of Hades. I mean, how else could his cruel instruments of sadism continue to torment on?

Sit and spin, Cribsy.

Sit and spin, Cribsy.

 

If the television is turned on, “TIGEEEEEE!” is what Angry Baby wants and demands. In the event Lover fo Life and I are watching a program, you can bet your high neighbor Angry Baby is chiming in.

For example, last night while watching Duck Dynasty (don’t hate, Uncle Si is a national treasure), my little bundle of cruelty decided to jump up and down like a pogo stick chanting, “Ti-Gee! Ti-Gee, Ti-Gee!” Care to watch something important on the news around these parts? Just know that a 30 pound two-year old will slither up you and repeatedly stage-whisper into your ear: “Tiiiiiiiigeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

Say, "Tigee!"

Say, “Tigee!”

 

Clearly, I’ve done a lot of awful in life, how else could the daily Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood nightmare I live, be justified? But cheer up, dearest reader, one day I will emerge the victor.

See, I may not have eternal evil immortality, like cold, dead, Fred. But I do have time on my side. As my child matures, she will eventually out grow the insipid Daniel, with his nutless father and queer-bait friends. One fine morning, Angry Baby will look at the television or iPad screen and shout, “Turn this motherfrenchin’ ship off, it’s for babies!”

Drop dead, a-holes.

Drop dead, a-holes.

Until that sweet, sweet, day…I remain imprisoned in a torture chamber of dumb and repetitive songs. Tunes delivered in a whiny, simpering manner that would cause even Mother Teresa to shoot her television screen, Elvis style.

Of course, Angry Baby could always end up like some of the freaks out there today, those who refuse to grow out of Children’s television…

They'll never let go.

They’ll never let go.

Best not dwell on that scenario.

Well, gotta go…you know who is asking for the hairy piece of crap right this very moment.

See you in Hell, you drunken slut.

See you in Hell, you drunken slut.

 

And just because this post is all about awful things from the past being trotted out for entertainment, I bring you a healthy shot of 1990’s comedy-band nostalgia. The Bloodhound Gang with a song all about our friends in the “Neighborhood.”

1.Listen to it on low because it has naughty language.

2. John Taylor from Duran Duran is in this video, LOLZ and WTF.

 


Comments

My Own Private Heck (Starring Daniel Tiger) — 8 Comments

  1. LOLZ. I live through your hatred of DT every day…and yet I still find this funny. You know…he’s got some advice for you in one of his songs. “If you feel so mad that you want to roar…just take a deep breath and count to four.”

    he he he…

    • Thanks for the great advice. I’m going to put a little something extra in your “Love Cake” (spoiler alert it’s dog turds.)

  2. I believe it is Lady ELAINE Fairchild. And, yes, she was the best part of the old show and it’s a shame she didn’t get translated to this newest bastardization of Mr. Rogers. I mean, it’s pretty clear that Lady Elaine was an alcoholic.

  3. If ya have to go potty, STOP and go right away. Flush and wash and be on your way!

    A friend just wants to play with you.

    You gotta try new foods ’cause they might taste goooood!

    I personally like lil Daniel and friends but yes, the songs on repeat grate after a while. 🙂

  4. I lived through 4 episodes too many today! I can usually handle one show a day but hate the repeating song of the day. Jackson did not like evil Daniel until around December and now we HAVE to watch it everyday. I want to shoot Daniel Tiger or at least make him disappear. I am subjected to enough sing song cartoons a day without him joining the party.

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