Prehistoric Sea Monster Caught in Jersey (Kill it With Fire)

New Jersey, the garden state and our nation’s go to place for overtanned gaudy baboons, has a new reason for the rest of us to avoid their beloved state. This mojo right here:




What you’re looking at is a mystery sea creature caught (with a bow and arrow) in New Jersey waters. Scientists believe that it is the Sea Lamprey, a parasite that resides in the area. However, there’s just one leeeeetle problem, it’s too big.

See, the Sea Lamprey is only supposed to top out at a little less than three feet, Mr. McEely over here is larger than that. So science is looking at two scenarios:

1. This is the largest of the species EVER recorded. Therefore, Sea Lampreys can get bigger than previously accepted.  OR

2. It’s some other terrifying, yet to be discovered creature.

My money is on MARINE BIOLOGISTS BEING WRONG. This fresh Hell looks like a Sea Lamprey on steroids. I’ll venture to speculate that this isn’t even the LARGEST one out there. Think about it, what are the odds that some dude fishing just happened on the grandest and most mighty of the Sea Lamprey, that EVER occurred. Nope.

Once again, the foolish Marine Biologists piped up about something that had no real clue about. In the first place, let me just go on record by saying that the Marine Biologist’s job is virtually impossible. The world’s bodies of water are too vast, and inhospitable to study in complete. Never forget that we know more about outer space than we do about our oceans.

You would think with those kinds of odds, Marine Biologists would study the seas and report their findings, not make broad assumptions and try to place limits of a species size (or existence for that matter.)

For example: When Marine Science immediately dismisses certain sea monsters, like the giant squid as extinct, they obviously are just throwing guesses out there because GIANT SQUID STILL LIVES and was recently captured live on camera.

What now, Science Sluts!?

What now, Science Sluts!?

And now, the parasitic and feared Sea Lamprey is bigger and badder than ever believed by science. How many times are we going to let these narrow-minded dinguses shape our views of the vast blue?

Afterall, the long-believed extinct Megalodon AKA Lord of the Deep, is not gone at all. Matter of fact, there’s a famous Megalodon that roams the Sea of Cortez. It’s a massive and terrifying creature the local fishermen call, “the Black Demon.” When the Black Demon is spotted out, all fishing, leisure and tours end immediately. No amount of money will coax the local skippers to take a tourist out, trust me, someone in my family tried to charter a serene boat ride on such a day and was told, “No tours today, Diablo Negro was seen earlier today.”

Science has dismissed these people as simple people who have no clue about the waters they’ve fished for generations. Did I mention that the sea or Cortez is ALSO where they discovered the first living Giant Squid (thought to be extinct.) WAKE UP PEOPLE, the Megalodon still exists. But don’t fear my darlings, I will one day charter a private cruise out to the Cortez, armed with research and recording gear, and WE WILL PROVE it!

Comin' to getcha!

Comin’ to getcha!

Sorry, I know I’m off on a tangent, but my life’s obsession is to rediscover Megalodon. I can’t help that I go on these little rants each and every time SEA SCIENTISTS ARE PROVEN TO BE WRONG! Anyslithers, back to the horrible and hideous Jersey Lamprey.

Obligatory, "Who wants sushi?" Joke

Obligatory, “Who wants sushi?” Joke

This new nasty giant lamprey dude is horrible and the stuff of nightmares. Matter of fact, I’m pretty sure the X-Files did an episode devoted to a sewer monster that looked just like it.

To sum it up: a mega parasite that uses a circle of teeth and saliva filled with anticoagulant to bleed its victims to death, is among American sea life and far larger than thought before. Good luck ever getting in the water again.

Oh and I’d just like to congratulate myself for NOT cracking any Jersey Shore jokes. I mean, if any time were ripe for a Snooki or Situation reference it truly would be a post about a record breaking large parasite wallowing in the muck off the New Jersey coast.

High Road, consider yourself taken.

Keepin' it classy.

Keepin’ it classy.



Prehistoric Sea Monster Caught in Jersey (Kill it With Fire) — 1 Comment

  1. Oh my dear god. We need guns, y’all. Because these things are going to grow legs and try to feed on us in our sleep. Nightmares.

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