“Hate Watching” the Academy Awards

For those of you who don’t know, “Hate Watching,” means you tune into a movie, event, concert or television show with the sole goal of displeasure. Inevitably, the joy you get from ridiculing the thing you hate most, provides enough entertainment to justify the wasted time.

DO NOT WANT.

DO NOT WANT.

Oh, Oscar. You’re a golden man whose genitals have been melted via smelter into one amorphous blob. If you think about it, a Gold-plated queen without his manhood, is the PERFECT symbol of the Film Industry.

Last night, all of Hollywood gathered for the annual circle jerk and ego stroke that is the Academy Awards. Hopefully, you were too drunk to pay much attention, or even better: perhaps you were off living your life rather than glued to a television screen watching egomaniacal freaks pander for more attention. Me? I watched it ALL (for you, of course.)

I’ve decided to share my Crib notes with you, see…I can’t even get it up enough to write a cohesive narrative about the almost FOUR HOUR train wreck, so you’ll just have to get what ya gets.

I’m going to start this post by saying, I can’t f*cking stand Seth MacFarlane. Of course, I know that by law of averages, many of you are outraged by this statement. My site, my rules, FREEDOM OF SPEECH. I find Seth with his stupid broad face, and rat pack aping, insufferable. Sorry, Family Guy Fans (I’m not that sorry.)

MacFarlane was tapped to host the Oscars this year, any why wouldn’t he be? Seth is a pro at telling old, tired, jokes.

In the only genuinely funny moment of Seth’s monologue, America’s favorite Angry Pepaw, Tommy Lee Jones, broke a smile, that sellout.

Pepaw smiles, for the win.

Pepaw smiles, for the win.

I’m pretty sure mean ol’ Grandpa Tommy Lee Jones was smiling because his management team held a gun to a case of Ensure, or perhaps he smoked a buttload of weed prior, but I’ll give the credit to Seth, it was his one shinning moment.

Immediately after my moment of hope, all dreams were then dashed when William Shatner rose from the grave to make an appearance as Captain Kirk from the future.

The "Shat" sure lived up to his crappy rep.

The “Shat” sure lived up to his crappy rep.

Somewhere George Takei was setting his phaser to stunned. Speaking of, George Takei won the BEST TWEET OF THE NIGHT when he wrote:

sulu

Oh snap! Gurl you’re TURRIBLE, and so right on. Takei is the new Betty White, if you ask me.

George Takei is a living legend. (Love you too, Brad!)

George Takei is a living legend. (Love you too, Brad!)

George is right. The show did come off as pretty “fancy.” Matter of fact, If it hadn’t been for the big golden dude, I would have sworn it was the Tony Awards I was watching.THERE WERE SO MANY SINGING ACTORS.

All the song moments, were for the birds. What did they this year’s Oscars think they were, the Turner Classic Movie channel at 2:00am in the morning!? If I wanted to be sung at off tune by a bunch of hotties, I’d pay 4k to visit Walt Disney World for a week.

 

That's more like it.

That’s more like it.

One of the BRIGHT spots in a very dull night was the Best Supporting Actor category won by the incredible, Christoph Waltz. I promise you people, if Christoph has a colonoscopy and Quentin Tarantino directs, he’ll win a third.

I'm awesome, sluts!

I’m awesome, sluts!

 

My FAVORITE PART was the moment of the evening when TRUE ROYALTY took the stage…

Dame Shirley Bassey came out and sang her classic, Goldfinger, DSB is my personal inspiration and my bitter drunk ass was brought to tears! Her standing ovation was well-earned. Homegirl is in her late 70’s and looks/sounds FLAWLESS.

Take a note, b*tches: THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE!

Take a note, b*tches: THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE!

Unfortunately, the musical and singing crap REALLY went off the rails when they trotted out that old Queen John Travolta to talk about Hollywood Musicals. His royal highness was followed by Catherine “Does her face seem different, to you?” Zeta Jones, who tramped it up once again as flapper Velma reprising her Oscar-winning role from Chicago.

Ugh, the Oscars were extra "Jazzy," this year.

Ugh, the Oscars were extra “Jazzy,” this year.

 

Jennifer Hudson showed the world once again she runs circles around Beyoncé and deserves every award we mere mortals can throw at her. Hear that sound? It’s Weight Watchers hitting the jackpot, because let’s face it, Hudson has looked stunning for 2 years on that shiz.

F*ck you, Jenny Craig!

F*ck you, Jenny Craig!

 

Hugh Jackman may or may not be a fancy lad, but he made my baby room tingle down low, if you get my drift. Hugh joined all his fellow Miserables on stage. Though, I could only focus on that drowned street urchin, Helena Bonham Carter, she’s fabulous. Crazy as a sh*t house rat, but aces in my book.

Do you hear the people scream?

Do you hear the people scream?

 

Best Supporting Actress, Anne Hathaway, the goody-goody book-worm in highschool that everyone forgets, was crowned prom queen in the most annoying acceptance speech since Sally Field’s, “You like me…” nonsense from a million years ago. If you can find a more grating person in all of hollywood, I’ll pay you five bucks. (Spoiler Alert, you won’t.)

I'd like to thank the faculty, particularly for eating lunch with me for all 4 years.

I’d like to thank the faculty, particularly for eating lunch with me for all 4 years.

Anne beat out Sally Field. AND EVERYONE KNOWS Sally Field deserves EVERY OSCAR AWARDED, for her PERFECT performance in the 1990 classic film, Soapdish.

Celeste Talbert doesn't wear turbans.

Celeste Talbert doesn’t wear turbans.

 

Was that Sandra Bullock, or a really shiny piece of beef jerky presenting last night? Either way, you know Jesse James was home eating a ham sandwich screaming at his TV watching it/her.

(Enjoy your new meme photo, internets!)  

Even I don't get my appeal!

Even I don’t get my appeal!

Love ya, Adele. Afterall, you’re a new mom and a curvy girl who talks like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. But you should have stayed home last night. No one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever sing a James Bond theme song better than DAME Shirley Bassey.

Sorry sweetheart, but you're no DAME.

Sorry sweetheart, but you’re no DAME.

They scraped Kristin Stewart off the floor of the bus station bathroom and threw her up on the stage to pout through a presentation. I can’t wait until she’s no longer relevant.

Somewhere a Urinal is missing its cake.

Somewhere a Urinal is missing its cake.

 

And then it was time for the dead tribute. This year George Clooney channeling a salty Sea Captain, introduced the yearly IN MEMORIAM film of this year’s famous farm buyers.

Deadliest Kvetch

Deadliest Kvetch

A special treat was in honor of the late composer, Marvin Hamlisch, AKA “the Ham.” Babsie Streisand came out of retirement to pay him tribute. Her long hair and voice like butter suited her well. I can’t hate, every woman over the age of 50 and fancy lad would have my scalp.

Flawless.

Flawless.

Norah Jones performed her nominated song and decided to wear Kathleen Turner’s costume from Peggy Sue Got Married.

Let's do the timewarp, again.

Let’s do the timewarp, again.

In the end, Adele got her Oscar for Skyfall, because this is her year to go around and pick up awards for being Adele. I say get it gurl, you and your Burt the Chimney Sweep speaking voice.

Adele (not pictured.)

‘Allo Govnah!

Quentin Tarantino won his 2nd writing Oscar, his first since Pulp Fiction. Why the academy won’t give him a Directing Oscar, is beyond me. But I’m biased. He’s never made a movie that wasn’t perfect in my book.

So legit he doesn't even need to fix his tie.

So legit he doesn’t even need to fix his tie.

Jennifer Lawrence and her magnificent cans won Best Actress for The Hunger Games Silverlinings Playbook. She tripped and fell on the stage stairs but recovered quickly and unfortunately did not spill out of her strapless top. Shame, I was hoping to see some GOLDEN GLOBES.

 

Ooof.

Ooof.

 

That bag of gas and hot air, Daniel Day-Lewis was crowned King of the boring as f*ck movies when he won for Lincoln. Oh man, I’m so tired of people sucking his toes. Daniel Day-Lewis annoys the living Hell out of me. The method acting, the stupid preparing and tireless transformations he endures for “his craft.” MALARKEY. Hey, everyone: He’s a f*cking actor, not a scientist who cured cancer.

If this dude took a 2 hour dump on screen, the Academy would honor it.

If this dude took a 2 hour dump on screen, the Academy would honor it.

Quick question: when Did Jack Nicholson morph into the old man from the Six Flags Commercials?

Nicholson

Michelle Obama decided to take time out from yelling at fat kids to give a speech that made no sense. “Lester Bangs” then announced the Academy Award for Best Picture, it went to Argo.

Hollywood and Obama, get a room already.

Hollywood and Obama, get a room already.

Speaking of Argo, I miss the old Ben Affleck that was dating Matt Damon. These days Affleck is all grizzly trying to look like a butch power top. I say: more tickle fights with Matt, and a little less serious.

Damon and Affleck Bromance '98...NEVER FORGET!

Damon and Affleck Bromance ’98…NEVER FORGET!

I’m just glad that boring piece of crap, Lincoln didn’t win best picture. By the end of the movie, even Honest Abe was praying for an assasination.

I ran out of Popcorn and Junior mints in the middle of that sh*t.

Girlfriend, you ain’t lying!

And there you have it, the most boring and predictable Oscars, ever. I hope you didn’t waste the last precious moments of your weekend watching that crap buffet. Because let’s face it, most actors are damaged egoists who never grew out of playing pretend on their old High School stage. Why the world showers them with fame, money and attention is beyond me, but hey…at least actors make easy targets. The jokes, they write themselves.

In closing, Seth MacFarlane is awful. That is all.

(via my own pain and suffering)


Comments

“Hate Watching” the Academy Awards — 7 Comments

  1. Brilliant. Thanks for laying on that grenade.

    1. Totally agree on MacFarlane. As Richard Brody called him, “the country’s leading voice-over artist.” He is insufferable.

    2. Someone needs to do a 10,000-word New Yorker profile as to why NO ONE LIKES Anne Hathaway.

    3. I think Tarantino likes the writing Oscars more than the directing Oscars. Although he still wants the latter to spite everyone.

    4. Were the glasses Nicholson was wearing the same ones he put on as The Joker at the end of “Batman?”

    5. So, Harry Potter’s taller than the Vampire Movie Girl … that must make her like 4 foot tall.

    6. I still don’t know who Jennifer Lawrence is and I’m not certain why anyone thinks she’s attractive. She’s “Starbucks hot”: If she were a barista, she’d be out of this world gorgeous. But in Hollywood … Clooney’s throwaways are hotter.

  2. Pingback: Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [2-25-13] | The Twist

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