Allow Me To Brag (Please Excuse the Sarcasm)

I live in a suburb of Houston, Texas. Katy, the land of Alpha Moms and A-Hole Dads. People in these parts are obsessed with suburban perfection and don’t mind going in debt up to their eyeballs just to keep up with the Joneses, who coincidentally buy everything on credit as well. At first glance everyone in my community comes off as a perfect, and that’s just how they want you to view them. Bragging Facebook posts and photo blogs of expensive far-flung excursions are the norm in Braggart Town, Texas.

Lover Fo’ Life and I made a promise many, many years ago not to join the cult of Katy appearances. We refuse to purchase anything on credit and ONLY have our house financed. And unlike all the enslaved perfection zombies that surround us, we bought less than half of the house price we qualified for and put it on a 15 year mortgage, because a 30 year mortgage is a racket.

The cash lifestyle has served us well and given us a peace of mind far better than being “Top Dog,” in a city of phonies. And while I feel like I have much to be grateful for, I leave the bragging to the insecure and unfulfilled. Now that I think about it, I could write a whole post about the various ways people brag on Facebook, and I probably WILL at some other point. Suffice to say, if you’re doing show-off stuff on Facebook, no matter how subtle, just know that I see you, and I’m rolling my eyes.

Our little shire is but an hour and change from Galveston Island, a major port for several Cruise Lines. Including Carnival. The close proximity of a cruise terminal plus the cheap price tag of Carnival’s all-inclusive getaways make for an easy vacation right at our doorstep. Because of this, the extended family, including our beloved Liberty Longhorn Ranch Crew, take a family cruise every few years. The last time the family set sail, I was too far along in my pregnancy for Carnival to allow me passage upon their party boat, preggo hatin’ jerks.

Last week, I got a call from my MIL, she informed me the family would be sailing the seven seas again and wanted to know if we would be joining in the FUN. Faster than you can say, “sneak liquor in your luggage,” Lover Fo’ Life was calling the travel agent securing our place on the polyester palace. Here’s where that whole “cash is KING,” business from earlier in the post comes in: we paid for our cruise on the spot using our debit card, no muss no fuss.

We’re departing late summer with a rowdy group of loved ones and family for a 5 day cruise upon one of Carnival Cruise lines most popular and luxurious boats, it’s a little vessel called the Carnival TRIUMPH.

So now it’s MY TURN TO BRAG(!!!!)

I’m taking a cue from the bragging numbsculls that abound on social media and in real life, and I’m going to RUB IT IN YOUR FACES!

In mere months my family will be sailing the high seas on the WORLD FAMOUS CARNIVAL TRIUMPH. For those of you who are sitting there saying, “Gee, that boat name sounds familiar!?” Let me remind you that the gorgeous TRIUMPH was just in the news. Why was it? Because the ship lost power and was adrift for the better part of a week, while fully staffed and loaded with travelers. Yes, that boat.

Same route, same ship, same helpful staff and limitless amenities. Let me KEEP BRAGGING, Y’ALL!

We’ll  be boarding this ship of nightmares in mere months. Thanks to the latest infamous voyage of the Triumph, the cruise line has cancelled the next 12 sailings.  Carnival is going to have to extensively rehab the boat due to all the problems that spring from 4200 people on a boat with no water or power and a bevy of rotting foods and garbage.

While I’m relaxing in our lovely stateroom with personal balcony, I’ll be glad to know that all of the guests on the Triumph’s last voyage were forced to evacuate their rooms due to overflowing toilets while rivers of feces and urine abounded. The staterooms were uninhabitable due to all the dook. Guests dragged their mattresses to public areas and outside decks to escape the overpowering stench of human filth.

Mattresses

 

Cozy

Cozy

 

 

Let me SHOW OFF more pictures of the floating paradise that awaits me…

 

A paradise complete with modern conveniences such as, ONE CELL PHONE CHARGER!

All you need is one.

All you need is one.

 

Delicious FOODS: These lucky folks got to wait 4 hours in line for a mustard, scraps and onion sandwich!

Scrumptious!

Scrumptious!

Fellow guests with clever attire:

(Would have been perfect if she drew flies coming off the poop.)

(Would have been perfect if she drew flies coming off the poop.)

 The well-appointed decks:

Bless this mess.

Bless this mess.

Creative options for on-board entertainment:

Nasty Ship

 

Cheery Passengers with UP BEAT SIGNS!

RIP Triumph Signs 5 days

 

An attentive staff that knows when to apologize for ruining your vacation and subsequently your LIFE for an entire week.

Our Bad, you guys.

Our Bad, you guys.

Passenger Brittany Ferguson summed up her experience on my future FUN SHIP(!) by saying this: “You could smell the vomit, the sewage. It was dripping on the walls. I know some people got food poisoning.”

From all accounts, the ship is going to need to be gutted thanks to all the people puke and poop it’s been marinating in for a week. BUT HEY, I’M NOT LETTING IT GET ME DOWN!
Just because over four thousand people were let afloat wandering aimlessly in the deep and treacherous Gulf of Mexico, amid garbage, disease, food shortages and made to pee/crap in red bags because the toilets had already emptied their contents for all to smell, doesn’t mean the ship is any less brag-worthy. No matter what my paid for cruise aboard a doomed vessel that might kill the entire cruise industry, holds…I’m sure I’ll have a marvelous, envy-inducing cruise.
Afterall, if there’s one thing Facebook has taught me it’s that:  EVERYONE IS HAVING A SWELL TIME, ALL THE TIME!
Why, just Look at this lady, she had SUCH A GREAT TIME, she’s KISSING THE GROUND IN ALABAMA!
She's thrilled to be in Alabama. There's a first time for everything.

Someone thrilled to be in Alabama. (There’s a first time for everything.)

I’m told the crew and passengers exited the boat prison aka CRUISE FROM HELL, to the musical stylings of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Sweet Home Alabama,” a fitting and humorous end to a seaside ordeal.
You can bet when we board the Carnival Triumph, I will be conducting my family choir in a rendition of another Skynyrd song, “That Smell.” Sure the boat will be stink free by then, but I want to let the crew know that I’m on to them, and there better be no funny business during my non-refundable adventure.
In closing, if you use your instagram, Facebook, twitter, foursquare and the like to brag, you’re an idiot. If you didn’t get my satire in bragging about the fact that I essentially booked a family vacation on essentially a floating garbage barge, then you’re even dumber than the internet braggers I’m making fun of.

 

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Allow Me To Brag (Please Excuse the Sarcasm) — 5 Comments

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