In my last dispatch, I wrote about the REAL reason Pope Benedict XVI decided to kick his papacy to the curb. Because the internet is a beautiful thing the Holy See saw his way to write in and dispell all the rumors/ fill us in on what his real plans are. As always, everything on this site is “for jokes,” so if the following offends you, please take your twisted panties elsewhere.
A Letter To Cribsy From the Holy See (Ya Later)
Dear Crib Keeper,
Jesus told me what you said about me quitting my job, all I can say is: YOU’VE GOT IT ALL TWISTED, BOO!
While I do love me some chili fries and it’s true that Frank Ocean’s performance on the 2013 Grammy Telecast did bum me out, it’s not the reason I decided to take my toys and split.
While we’re on the topic of things that did NOT cause me to kwit, let me just add the child abuse scandals that plague the Church didn’t cause me to kick rocks, nor did dwindling church attendance due to a record amount of smarmy atheists. My reason for choosing to hit the bricks can be summed up best with the philosophical catchphrase: “YOLO,” (you only live once.)
Being the Pope was a rad gig, but my heart’s not in it, yo. I gots to be me. I’ve decided to take my new Macbook Air (A Christmas Gift from Mel Gibson,) and pursue a life-long dream in spinning wax. I want to be a DJ.
And while leaving the Papacy mean’s I’ll have to give up all the sweet jewelry and fancy lady Pope clothes, I have a feeling my swagger will stick around. Why? Because I’ve got a Fifty Dollar iTunes gift card that I’m pretty sure is gonna buy me ALL the Enigma CD’s I need to be an EPIC spinner. Yeah, I know I’m going to have to pay my dues playing house parties and low-rent discotheques, but I figure I’ll be back on top in no time.
In the mean time, I’m going to take my early retirement and do a litany of things I couldn’t do while I was reciting litanys.
I’m looking forward to doing things such as:
- Cleaning off all those”Two and a Half Men,” episodes stacked up on my DVR.
I just adore that show. Charlie Sheen plays a real cad. Can’t wait to see what happens to him as the series progresses!
- Try Hot Yoga.
Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to brag on Facebook/ twitter every time I complete a class. Just for grins, I’m going to refrain from rolling my eyes during the group, “Namaste,” at the end.
- Using my Senior Citizen discount at Hollister, Hot Topic and Pinkberry Frozen Yogurt
Just because I won’t have the Vatican’s full arsenal of riches, gems and golden sceptres, doesn’t mean I won’t be livin’ large!
- FINALLY be able to eat Ben & Jerry’s without worry that I’m sending a message rife with “gay undertones.”
Last but certainly not least…
- Read grouchymuffin daily, free of guilt and that gnawing fear my boss (You know Who) is over my shoulder watching me waste time at the office.
I’ll it make up as I go along.
For the time being, I’m gonna throw on some flip-flops and a tie-dye tee, buy an old Volkswagen Camping Van and follow David Hasselhoff as he tours the German countryside. Hoff concerts are huge in my homeland. We Germans are known for having great taste is pop music… 99 Luftballoons anyone??
In closing, my apologies to the Cardinals who voted for me 8 years ago. My Bad, Bros. Totes my bads.
See, thought I was all, “Thug Life until I die, word is bond,” but ended up running away from my responsibilities just like Forrest Gump did in that movie all those years ago.
Speaking of, the world may not agree on religion, but everyone concurs there should never have been a hip-hop song written about the movie, Forrest Gump. Frank Ocean, I’m wagging my blinged and ringed out finger at YOU.
Much love, Cribsy. Appreciate all the publicity yesterday. You truly are a “loose woman” who knows how to drum up the ha-has with fart jokes.
– DJ Cray Cray
(The artist formerly known as Pope Benedict the XVI)
PS: If anyone wants to book me as a DJ at your upcoming wedding, corporate event or Bar Mitzvah, please contact my agent, Rigel McSwee c/o the Bernstein Agency. Cray Cray-OUT!