The Pope Quit Because of Frank Ocean’s Grammy Performance

Last night Frank Ocean murdered the world’s eardrums and baffled the planet with a bizarre homage to the 1994 film, Forrest Gump.

In a completely related issue, hours after Ocean’s performance, Pope Benedict the XVI decided to quit being the Pope. Homeboy chucked the deuce at his job. The Pontiff is the first Pope SINCE THE MIDDLE AGES TO WALK AWAY. As for his part, Benedict claims he’s leaving due to declining health, even though every dude in the position for the past 600 years died in office.

Pope'n ain't easy.

Pope’n ain’t easy.

I think we can all agree that it was Frank Ocean’s fault.

It’s pretty obvious that the Pope was chillaxing back at his bejeweled palace, eatin’ some chili fries watching last night’s Grammy Telecast, when he saw Ocean’s performance and lost all hope for humanity.

For those of you who missed it, Frank served up a hot what the fudge sundae:

You know that the jerks in the Grammy office will snatch the embedded video down by dinner time, so Here’s a link to watch it!

The pitch problems, minimalist Casio Keyboard track and FOREST GUMP MOTIF!? It was all hideous. The tone-deaf Grammy audience greeted the whistling(!?) atonal journey into the absurd, with roaring applause. What a bunch of phony fakers!

When Ocean won an award for being the new hip thing, he got a standing ovation. The whole auditorium got on their feet for Frank. except for the world’s most hated coked out queen, Chris Brown. The chiclet toothed psychopath refused to get out of his seat and only offered a mirthless golf clap paired with his trademark dead eyes.

Gurl, please.

Gurl, please.

I can’t believe I’m saying this,  but… for once I agree with that tattooed powerbottom also known as Chris Brown!

Frank Ocean, you’re boring to me. Other than your headbands and cool lighting effects, I’m completely disinterested. To the OCEAN of haters who are waiting to pounce on me for “not getting his genius,” I say: can it, tomato.

Let’s face it, the greatest singer songwriter with the last name Ocean, is BILLY OCEAN, the Caribbean King himself.

Get out of my dreams and into my heart.

Get out of my dreams and into my heart.


Lest we not forget his classic, “Loverboy.”


To Pope Benedict XVI I say, Happy Trails and good luck in your future endeavors that don’t involve being the leader of an entire religion. The good news is, I’m pretty sure TGI Friday’s will still honor your “Free Fried Cheese For Life,” card. Get well soon and get ready for a long lecture from Peter about “sticktuitiveness,” when you reach the pearly gates.

(thanks ATX)



The Pope Quit Because of Frank Ocean’s Grammy Performance — 7 Comments

  1. Great post Cribsy. I would have never linked the two without your deep insight into the workings of the human phyche. But now its all so clear to me now!

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