This Thursday marks Valentine’s Day, a holiday cooked up by the card companies in an effort to guilt trip you into buying a bunch of waxy chocolate all in the name of LOVE! In honor of the upcoming holiday, I’ve decided to chronicle a love story of sort that comes to us from Manhattan.
Craigslist, America’s go-to sexual creeper site/ place to unload unwanted exercise equipment and Memaw’s hideous couch, is a constant source for inspiration and/or disgust. Today, let the words of this honest and completely NORMAL ad, tickle your eyeballs.
Cake Farter (East Village)
For starters, I love the fact that the author knows he’s (because a dude totally wrote this,) about to shock you with his humble request. Friendly tip: Anytime someone prefaces their Craigslist post with “I know this sounds bizarre,” you can bet your cake farting butt it’s gonna be a humdinger of a nutty inquiry.
“Preferably a female?” What a shock. Let’s face it, no one wants to see Cletus in dirty dungarees position his flatulent fat azz over a birthday cake. If you’re going to pay a tukas 50 bucks to crank one out on a confection, it better be attached to a female, preferably a HOT female.
“It’s for a friend’s birthday.” Sure it is. Spoiler alert, anytime I say something is for a friend, it’s FOR ME. For example, the last time I purchased diarrhea medicine, I found a steal of a deal on upper lip wax strips at that particular Walgreens and decided to double down on the deal. As I was checking out, the hottie behind the counter took my basket of diarrhea meds/ moustache remover and made soul-piercing eye contact with me. In a panic I blurted out, “my poor, sick, Mother in Law sent me to do her shopping!” Without skipping a beat, sexy cashier fondled the Imodium AD and said, “looks like she’s having a bad day,” then winked at me. You know this cake fart request isn’t for a “friend.” IT NEVER IS!
Thanks for the promise you won’t kill us, dude. See, I was worried about being murdered and or maimed by the Craigslist creeper until you reassured that “It will not be a dangerous situation.” Sure it won’t. Because If it WERE a dangerous affair the intergalactic honesty laws of the internet would make you come clean.
The greatest part about the entire ad, other than the whole premise to begin with, is the fact that this whole pay to sit and rip it on a buddy’s cake, nonsense is “Just for Jokes.” Maybe it’s because saying “it’s just for jokes,” is the same phrase I USE when I’m trying to lure unsuspecting sickos into my sick web of debauchery. “Hey, let’s steal some cash from your parents, just for jokes!” “Oooh splash muddy water on that elderly woman as we drive past her, just for jokes!”