I’m not going to lie to you, dear reader: I feel like total dog buns today. I’s sick, y’all!
Yours truly coughed, hacked and snotted the entire night. For countless hours, I marinated in my own “sick sweat.” Needless to say, I’m crispy and rancid, like an old strip of bacon sizzling on a sidewalk in August.
I don’t have the time or strength to suffer fools and foolery today. I’m channeling my inner Grinch/Oscar the Grouch/ Tommy Lee Jones and quite frankly, my fuse is quite short at this moment.
That’s why I want to bust some heads over at Cartoon Network. The nostalgia train is officially cornholing our heroes, THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!
In the mid to late 1990’s Cartoon Network Studios saved the entire Hanna-Barbera brand by churning out quality toons. From Dexter’s Lab, to Johnny Bravo, creative cartoons for kiddies (and adults) flourished. In 1998 Craig McCracken brought the world the adorable and hilariously punny, Powerpuff Girls. It starred 3 little kindergarten aged lab-created superheroines, Bubbles, Blossom and my personal favorite: Buttercup.
Well, because we live in an age of regurgitation, remakes and sequels devoid of any original thought, the network announced yesterday that the 1998-2005 Hit show was returning as an hour-long special.
Here’s the official press release:
The Powerpuff Girls Special: “Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice…plus a dash of mysterious Chemical X” were the essential ingredients that created Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup-also known as The Powerpuff Girls. This groundbreaking and Emmy®-winning series, created by Craig McCracken, ran on Cartoon Network from 1998-2005 and will soar again as a brand-new, redesigned and re-imagined CG special coming in 2013 where the trio of pint-sized super heroines will be called upon to rescue not just the city of Townsville, but the USA and the world! Featuring an original song “I Wish I Was A Powerpuff Girl” performed by Beatles legend Ringo Starr, who also portrays Townsville’s most famous flamboyant mathematician, “Fibonacci Sequins,” this all-new original special comes from a powerhouse creative team featuring animation talent from around the globe including acclaimed director Dave Smith and award-winning art director Kevin Dart and is produced by Cartoon Network Studios in association with UK’s Passion Pictures. The special also features the original voice cast reprising their iconic roles and will premiere later this year.
Same Director, Same talented actors, different animation style. Where the original run was hand drawn, they decided to cut that handcrafted sh*t and go cheap, er…digital.
I present to you the NEW and unimproved Powerpuff Girls:
I have but two comments on the NEW girls:
1. They look like a David Bowie Cover Band from Japan.
2. Kill it with fire.
Like super-precious zombies, The Powerpuff girls have risen from the grave and will not rest until they have cannibalized their past success and glory.
Lord help the jerks if they f*ck with my beloved MOJO JOJO!!!
And just to give you an extra cold shiver, consider this: a “special” in the TV Biz means it’s a pilot. If enough dumb sluts watch this poop, they’ll most likely green light an entire series.
But don’t fret my pets, I’m pretty sure the legacy-murdering atrocity won’t make it. What bolsters my confidence?
“Featuring an original song “I Wish I Was A Powerpuff Girl” performed by Beatles legend Ringo Starr…”
Thankfully, Ringo is a total flop, a real boat anchor to success. Oh I’m sure some of you contrarians out there will challenge me on this hard fact…But I’m RIGHT.
Blasphemy Crib Keeper! What about “Photograph!?” How about the cover of “Act Naturally!?” Ringo is GOLDEN!
Nope. Ringo sux. Afterall, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Besides, the GREATEST POWER PUFF GIRLS SONG has already been created and given to the world.