Boy howdy, do I have a hum-dinger of a hummer nightmare to share with you on this fine Tues-the-Extreme Day! Gather ’round friends, I’m going to tell you the tale of love gone wrong, dead wrong.
An unidentified Brazilian couple is currently going through a rough patch, as the wife recently requested a divorce.
Her 43-year-old husband called the cops to their home in São José do Rio Preto, and accused his wife of trying to MURDER him.
While an attempted murder plot between spouses normally wouldn’t be enough to register on grouchymuffin’s absurdity charts. It’s HOW she tried to murder him, that made me feel compelled to share.
Our Brazilian Blackwidow figured out the best way to kill her husband was, to shove poison into her you know what and then trick him into “going down to Joe’s Crab Shack.” The plan was that while he was “digging a hole,” he would ingest the poison from her “wetlands,” and croak.
To think that people say romance is extinct.
Our tale of scorn and porn gets even more hilarious when we learn that apparently the Husband in question jumped at the chance to picnic on her “alpine meadow,” and only was alerted by the toxic smell the poison gave off as he “headed to sea.” When he confronted her, she admitted to the assassination plot and was found to have ENOUGH “poison in her well” to kill not only her Husband, it would have accidentally killed her as well.
Had he not discovered her deadly deed, she would have accidentally died with him. He saved her life!
Let me just address the wife for a moment…
Dearest Nutjob: While I know you are no doubt super foxy, as every brazilian woman is, I must implore you to reconsider dumping this dude! You’ve got one of the good guys! I mean, he “loves to eat at Taco Bell south of the border!”
Time and time again, I hear ladies complain that their dudes are selfish idiots who only care about their own pleasure and don’t like “going down to the Delta,” to them I often say: “Get a real man. ” Hey,”Lady Macbeth 2,” you’re trying to OFF a caring and willing lover! OK, maybe he’s terrible at it, but that doesn’t mean that some OTHER WOMAN can’t teach him the ways to amaze.
Of course, she’s kinda obligated to stay married to him. Afterall HE SAVED HER LIFE!
Let’s face it: Homedude has a lifetime pilot’s license on Guilt Trip Airlines with this broad. Every breath she breathes is because HE SAVED HER LIFE WHILE SHE WAS TRYING TO KILL HIM WITH SEX.
Can you imagine the tense cocktail parties at their house from now on!?
“Dearest, could you bring out more shrimp dip and make sure it doesn’t have poison in it.” What’s that Phyllis and Winston? We never told you two about the time my lovely bride used her toxic nether-regions to kill me? Oh, it’s such a funny story! Honey, come over here and help me act out the time I saved your life again.”
To Love, Guilt Trips, misery and Marriage!”
In the words of the Late, Great, Gangsta Crew, Bel-Biv Devoe: “That girl is poiiiisoooon!”
(Sorry, couldn’t resist!)