Some guys like girls with artificial boobies (Sheika, that leer of yours right now, could kill) but this is about a guy who likes everything about his girl to be fake.
OK, you’re probably already noticing things already.
First: Hey, another guest writer! Hi, Grouchymuffin faithful, you can call me “Fre.”
The Crib Keeper is undoubtedly chasing hellspawn around the house at the moment, so here I am for your delight and entertainment. Or disgust and shame for the human race, whichever comes first for you.
You probably might have also noticed that this is a sports-related post, and you may remember Grouchymuffin is not a sports blog. There’s plenty of those. But not enough of them focus on the utter ridiculousness in our world today like GM does, and this time, the foolery comes from the wide world of sports.
If you’ve been living under a rock, you might not have heard of Manti Te’O yet. If you’ve been living 15 miles underneath the Earth’s crust, you might not have heard that the University of Notre Dame in South Bend, Ind. is often associated with football in American culture.
See, the Fighting Irish were making a bid for their first national championship since 1988. I won’t get into a recap of the title game, but let’s say Notre Dame did not win. It wasn’t for lack of motivation and emotion, especially not for one Manti Te’O, a star player on the team. Earlier in the season, Manti not only lost his grandmother, but his girlfriend as well. Sad story.
What a douche I am for making fun of the guy here, right?
Except it turns out that Manti’s lost babe was the biggest hoax since the Mayan a-crock-alypse.
Manti has gone on to claim that he came clean to his school in December, but that’s odd because he was still talking about his non-girlfriend in interviews.
I normally do not indulge in such Schadenfreude, but it’s the only worthy response to this, Schadenfreude. In another life I’m sportswriter, so I can understand some other hacks feeling quite chagrined right now for biting into this hook-line-and-BS-inker.
Also, it’s slightly lame to make up stories for sympathy and attention, particularly of the national variety. Feel-good stories feel good only when they’re the truth, unless it’s in a movie. So here I am, reveling shamelessly in it.
For his part, Te’O claims he’s a victim of a “sick joke,” and by “sick joke” he means being played for a patsy by a “girl” online. He’s not referring to Notre Dame’s putrid performance against Alabama, which was a sick joke at the expense of every college football fan who isn’t rooting for Alabama.
Some thoughts on the unfolding saga, which you were probably tired of hearing about before you pulled this up. And you only decided to read this because you’re a masochist:
- This story is essentially “Rudy” reverse-engineered.
Rudy was a kid with a dream who finally got to play for Notre Dame. Manti Te’O was the Notre Dame star who later decided to have a dream.
- If Manti gets drafted by the Minnesota Vikings, perhaps he can have an imaginary Super Bowl ring too.
- There’s unverified speculation and conjecture that the hoax is due to Te’O being gay.
Stud football players are expected to have ladyfriends. Likewise, ladies do seem like guys who bump and grind into each other with “positions” named “tight end” or “wide receiver,” not that any of that sounds anything other than heterosexual.
Er, anyway. Suppose this turns out to be the case and Manti is a homosexual? Instead of having potentially the first openly gay College football player, it becomes a footnote buried underneath accounts of a stunt that nobody could or should live down.
- Imaginary girlfriends aren’t just for the campus dorks in the trigonometry club. They’re for jocks too!
- This story potentially calls into question any unseen girl/boyfriend. Do you suppose those Taylor Swift songs might not be about real boys?
- If his name was “Manti Simpson” or “Manti Peterson” instead, it’d have probably been good for the girl’s health and wellbeing that she was a hoax.
- The dude probably fell on the floor this morning thanking God for having Lance Armstrong come clean about his own hoax at the same time.
This is also historic, because it will be the last time a cycling-related story will take precedence over a football-related story in America.