The Gauntlet

“That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.”

Well hello there my dearest readers! I see you there, toiling away the day after Christmas.

While a bunch of lucky jerks get to laze about in fresh fuzzy bathrobes playing with their new gizmos and stuffing their faces with sugary leftovers, YOU’RE STUCK WORKING.

Fear not, your ol’ pal Cribsy is here to save the day by churning out steaming fresh ha-ha’s ready to help you pass the time. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to share some holiday snapshots and memories from our CHRISTMAS GAUNTLET.

This post is LONG and rambling. I figure, you’ve got the time to waste reading banal banter and looking at my family photos. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to be productive today! Enjoy!

Jean Claude Van Tan on the left is giving me Ladywood.

The Gauntlet

When I was a wee lass, I loved the game show, American Gladiators. No, I’m not talking about to 2008 reboot that introduced the world to Gina Carano. I’m referring to the 1990’s mullet and sweat soap opera that played out on a stage of spandex. One American Gladiators event that I loved in particular was, “the Gauntlet.”

The contender was forced to run through a gym-matted course that was timed to hit the contestant with swinging punching bags. If the person was patient and stayed quick on their feet, they often would escape unscathed. Unfortunately, if they bounded through without putting thought and strategy into it, the person ended up pummeled.

This Christmas, due to unusual circumstances and timing, rather than have one big day, we had 3 separate massive Christmases. While the child in everyone would have rejoiced at the notion of 3 Christmases, the reality is, with a 2-year-old it was a gauntlet. THE Gauntlet to be exact.

Don’t get me wrong, memories were made and fun was had, but it wasn’t without a lot of W-O-R-K.

My Brother in Law and his wife, are traveling to Israel December 28th. Because of this, we decided to have Lover fo’ Life’s Family Celebration on Saturday, December 22nd. Friday night, Thaneo and his lovely lady arrived in town and we invited them over for drinks. All three of the brothers were reunited for the first time since Thanksgiving at the Ranch, the occasion called for catching up and a lot of booze.

It was 1:30am and I was drunk as a skunk when I realized I promised my mother in law a cheese ball for the family Christmas the next morning (scheduled at 8:30am, BTW.) Did I mention I had never made a cheese ball previously? Stinking of dried beef and scallions, My head finally hit the pillow at 2:30am.

Exactly Six hours later, I was cheerily crossing the threshold of my Mother in Law’s house. Hungover and wishing I hadn’t shared 5 bottles of wine with my visiting sis and brother-in-law.

December 22nd Family Christmas #1

After a stomach-calming family breakfast, we adjourned to my mother in law’s living room for presents.

Angry Baby did not open hers, instead she played with the gifts I opened for her while she observed intently. I wasn’t complaining, it’s always fun to open gifts, even if they are for your kid.

After a lot of laughs (Thaneo got a horse mask for Christmas and insisted on wearing it.)

Completely normal.

 

…And  a SUPER SWEET Cthulhu ornament given to me by G$

“Is that an Octopus?” – Mom

we gathered our loot and loaded the truck. The plan was to go home for 2 hours while we prepared for the arrival of my brother and his girlfriend, and then return for a delicious brisket with all the barbeque fixin’s (we’re Texans, after all.)

My mother in law then miraculously transformed into a Christmas Angel when she uttered the words: “Let me watch the baby while you go home and clean up.”

After lunch, the entire family took long winter’s nap.

Saturday evening we welcomed my Brother and his lady-love, whom we lovingly call, “Dos.” Dos has the same name as yours truly’s given name. My brother gave her the nickname Dos (spanish for the number two) to help avoid name confusion in conversation.

I hosted an impromptu pool party/ fire pit hangout Saturday night. With the weather in the 70’s and our pool heated to perfection all that was left was to was enjoy everyone’s company. As I floated in the warm water and looked at the stars, a nagging voice reminded me, “You have to get up in the morning and host Christmas #2 for your family tomorrow.”

December 23rd, Christmas Eve-Eve

I awoke at 6:30 AM and began cleaning up from the previous evening’s festivities. Beer bottles, wrappers, cups all were squired into garbage bags and once again my house looked like a home, rather than a frat house occupied by badgers.

My Parents arrived as did my Sister and her new Husband, it was time for Christmas #2

Tamales were eaten, presents were given, fits were thrown about inadequate gifts and fun was had. All you need to know is this, here’s Angry Baby posing with a prized present from Christmas #2:

Thanks for the snakes, said no one ever.

 

Courtesy of her Uncle Austin and Aunt Dos, it was a box filled with snakes. Of course, my lil’ Longshoreman loved them.

After mountains of gifts and tamales were ravaged, it was time to bid farewell to my parents and family.

December 24th, Christmas Eve

We had but two things scheduled this day: Church Services and Christmas Light Looking. We took it easy. Why, even Angry Baby’s Dirtbag alter-ego, Jessie, decided to make an appearance!

I promise that’s not a beer.

After a full day of cleaning up and resting from the previous day’s festivities, it was time to get ready for the 5:30 “kid friendly” service.

Get that camera off of me.

Granny came over to style Angry Baby’s hair first. The woman claims the kid LOVES having her hair styled, yet…I have yet to see a tear free session.

Beauty is pain, kid.

After some religion and exterior light lookin’ it was back to the house for some pictures by the tree before Santa made his way down the Chimney.

I’ve documented the last time our house was clean.

Of course, it quickly devolved to an ornament stealing session:

Busted mid-ornament heist.

Of course, because Angry Baby lives in this house, I knew there was a high probability that ol’ St. Nick would leave my naughty little kiddo nothing but coal and switches. So, I decided to bribe the fat f*ck with tons of goodies.

Left a good spread to bribe Fatso Claus

Apparently, it worked. Stupid Santa.

Santa’s a chump.

Angry Baby even got a sweet new ride.

Angry Baby Rolls Hard

And finally, the last of the Christmases…

December 25th, CHRISTMAS MORNING

Let the destruction begin!

The Stocking was a huge hit.

Hello Kitty is known in this house as, “MEEEE-YOW!”

My little fast learner opened every last one of her gifts by herself. One of Which was a tea set. Girlfriend got to work getting her DRANK on (like mother like daughter.)

Two-fisted Tea Drinker

“Cool Dude,” is her name when she’s wearing sunglasses, “Cool Dude,” decided to show up when she put on her new shades. Cool Dude hates cameras and ran from being documented.

Cool dude running in her cool new shades.

 

And there you have it. My Christmas Gauntlet documented in photographic evidence. All while disapproving nutcracker silently judged us the entire time.

Nutcracker is quietly judging you too.

After almost a full week of entertaining, attention, gifts and more attention, Angry Baby was left ragged and exhausted.

Today, we began reclaiming her normal routine. So far the meltdowns have been few and she even napped for me. I’m sitting here getting to once again do what I love most, talk sh*t and write about myself on this clap-trap hobo parlor of a website. All is right in the world.

This evening, Lover fo’ Life and I are going to celebrate surviving the gauntlet. We’re seeing the Latest Quentin Tarantino movie, “Django Unchained,” at the Alamo Drafthouse. I plan on drinking a bevy of beers and watching Quentin’s genius unfold before my eyeballs. Oh sure, I can’t stand Jamie Foxx , but my love of Tarantino trumps my Foxx hate.

Until later my dear toiling toilers and bored time wasters!

Stay Angry

Love,

Cribsy

 

 

 

 

 


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