TLC is Developing a Reality Show Called: “Best Funeral Ever” (Of Course They Are)

Fun Fact: The Clowns are more terrifying than the corpse inside the coffin.

A long time ago, the government created a television station aimed at educating citizens, Uncle Sam aptly named it, “The Learning Channel.”

For years it offered the mild, classroom-ready programming one would expect from a Learning Channel. Then it became privatized, which is to say it was purchased  from the Gov. and started showing commercials.  In the late 1990’s, the channel became less “learning” and more about shows like, “A Wedding Story,” and “Trading Spaces” (The latter a personal favorite of the Crib Keeper.) It also adopted the less-poindextery name, “TLC.”

At the millennium, somebody slipped the staff a case of Rohypnol, and TLC has since become vanguard of the nation’s most disturbing, albeit popular,  programming. From diseased sickos who hump on inanimate objects, to Honey Boo Boo Child, TLC is the go-to place for idly watching the decay of society.

In an effort to maintain the title of “America’s Sh*ttiest Network,” TLC has just announced that they are developing a show about a Dallas Texas Mortuary Home that specializes in outrageous funerals. The working title? “Best Funeral Ever.”

No, really. They are actually making this crap.

John Beckwith Jr., Director of the Texas-based, Golden Gate Funeral Home, explains that the mission of his business is to make grieving loved ones happy in a time of unbearable sorrow.

John works with families to create a centrally themed party/funeral based on the departed loved one’s life. According to EW.com:

“Examples include a Christmas-inspired funeral complete with reindeer, elves and snow, and a singer known for his famous rib sauce jingle remembered at a BBQ-themed funeral — including live pigs, praise dancers, and a BBQ sauce fountain where loved ones dip a ceremonious rib to say goodbye.”
Look John, I ain’t mad attcha…I just can’t get on board with your new show.
While I believe everyone has a right to send their loved ones off in style, I cringe at the inevitable competing knock-offs this show will inspire. I also dread funerals becoming the new weddings. (Though some of you cynics would argue they are one in the same.)
Hey TLC, Can we just skip to down the lowest bar and start filming reality shows about using the bathroom? I’m being serious. Elimination is something all people do. Why not pioneer the nation’s FIRST Toilet related television series? Matter of fact, I’ll even provide you with some working titles for my proposed toilet series:
  • “A Wetting Story”
  • “Trading Handsanitizers”
  • “Toilet Bowl: Buried Alive”
  • “Kate Plus 8 Heavy Periods a Year”
  • “I Didn’t Know I Was Lactose Intolerant”
Take your pick, I assure you my idea will be a hit, no matter what you title it.

Let’s do this!

More dumps and less dead people, TLC! Just say NO to “My Super Sweet Funeral.” 
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