Science Delivers A (Much-Needed) Uplifting Story

 

Goodness makes the badness go away.

The last time I sat down to post something on our clap-trap hobo parlor of a time-wasting website, 20 children in Connecticut were very much alive and looking forward to the holiday treats that Santa Claus had in store for them. Sadly, a pathetic nutjob murdered them, and took down 6 innocent adults as well.

With a world still scrambling to make sense of this horrific incident, and the media breaking our hearts one awful detail at a time, we need an uplifting tale of triumph to usher in this particularly bleak December Monday.

Luckily, Science is here once again to do humanity a solid.

Jan Scheuermann is a 52-year-old quadriplegic.

Sweet Victory.

University of Pittsburgh’s professor of neurobiology, Dr. Andrew Schwartz decided to hook Jan up with a study he was conducting regarding bionic appendages. Dr. Schwartz and his crew fashioned Jan’s brainmeat (her motor cortex, the area of the brain responsible for limb movement) with 96 microelectrodes that control a new robotic arm for Jan.

After a lightning fast turnaround time (a mere 13 weeks), Jan now can control her robo-arm with a precision and efficiency that rivals an able-bodied person. Just like you and I, Jan can now easily flip off old ladies in traffic, pick her nose, and throw candy wrappers on the ground!

The good Doctor is extremely positive about what this INCREDIBLE ADVANCE can do for all with spinal cord injuries. “I think it really is convincing evidence that this technology is going to be therapeutic for spinal cord injured people. They are doing tasks already that would be beneficial in their daily lives and I think that’s fairly conclusive at this point.”

Dr. Schwartz was also quoted as saying that Jan’s progress was: “way better than anything that’s been demonstrated before.”

For those of you left stupid from too many bong rips and bottles of ripple, lemme break it down for you…

Woman paralyzed in all 4 limbs undergoes special microelectrode implant brain surgery. 13 short weeks later, homegirl’s got the moves. Jan now has a fully functioning arm, freeing her to do a multitude of things she previously couldn’t do for herself. If that doesn’t warm your cold heart, you’re an iceberg.

Welcome to the future.

 

 

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