Drink To Your Health! (Alternate Title: See You in Hell, NyQuil)

à votre santé!

 

‘Tis the season of light and love. Miracles abound during the holidays, and today…this bleak and soulless Monday, I have news that will literally change the way you suffer, forever.

With the party and palm pressing season in full swing, unfortunately so is COLD SEASON. Luckily, there’s a new medicine in the cold-punchin’ game and come to find out, it’s the same “medicine,” you used to overcome your late teens and early twenties!!

The Scientists at Sapporo Medical University have discovered an active ingredient in beer that has the potential to block the cold virus. Sure, the study was funded by Sapporo beer, but the science behind their findings seems legit. Plus, I’m a real beer-swilling party slut so, I’m taking Beer University’s word for it!

The key ingredient is a chemical called, Humulone and it occurs in hops during the fermentation process. Humulone in high enough concentration showed to shut the door and ignore the Respiratory syncytial virus (RS Virus) AKA a sciencey name for the horsecrap that is the Common Cold.

There’s only one problem. In order to accumulate the amount of Humulone you’d need to say sayonara to cold symptoms, you’d have to drink 30 beers. That’s a problem?

HOORAY! The snorting, snotting, hacking and horking that comes with a cold will soon be replaced with the yelling, laughing, inappropriate flashing and public urinating that comes with being STOOPID drunk on a ton of beers!

It’s official y’all: I’m a health nut. Matter of fact, yours truly is so dedicated to my well-being, that I’m replacing the water in my life with beer (including showers and pool water.) From now on, all of my showers will be golden. (getyourmindoutofthegutter)

Perhaps now my family will stop throwing shade when I refer to my favorite local liquor store as,”the pharmacy.”

NyQuil, p*ss off, you’ve been replaced. You taste like Satan’s aftershave and make everyone who chugs you snore like a buffalo.

Get F*cked!

 

 

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