Shaq Designed His Own Line of Man-Jewelry (The Jokes Write Themselves)

 

Shaq-a-Claus is Comin’ to Town!

Shaquille O’Neal is a national treasure who has given the world many a wondrous gift.

Such presents include:

His love/hate relationship with Kobe.

Precious.

His classic cinematic tour de force, Kazaam.

Oh Lerd.

Fond Family Memory: Several Christmas Eves ago, I was attending Church with the fam and ended up sitting next to the only Atheist in L4L’s family. During the service, he lost his shiz. Yours truly was treated to a nonsensical set of expletives swirled together in one red-faced religion-slapping rant. Did I mention it was during the cute kid Nativity Scene part? Because it was.

The highlight of his meltdown came when he rage-whispered to me, “This is the same silly magic story trotted out every year…IT’S F*CKING KAZAAM, MAN! SHAQUILLE O F*CKING NEAL IN KAZAAM!!!!”

Without skipping a beat,  I hissed, “You need to pipe down and respect the magic of Shaq as Kazaam.” Luckily, he’s a BELIEVER in laugher and my quip caused him to laugh, thus defusing the situation.

 

Lest we also not forget, Shaq’s storied Rap career.

Oh Werd.

No matter how you wrap it, Shaq’s raps will always be a gift to humanity. Don’t believe me? Watch the following and be prepared to have your mind blown by TALENT!

 

And Now, Shaquille O’Neal has gifted the world with a personally designed line of Man-Jewelry, sold exclusively at Zales!!!!!!!!!

He prays you’re drunk enough to buy this stuff.

Because I know 99% of you have no idea what to get the husky lesbians, sullen goth tweens, and cool Dads in your life, I’ve decided to share my FAVORITE PIECES from the Collection.

First up, it’s his 2-Tone Steel Bracelet, priced at a mere $1,700

This is class on a wrist. Did you catch the subtle nod to his main revenue stream, basketball? How Clever!

Next we have the $250.00 RUBBER and Onyx cuff.

Do. Not. Want.

And then there’s his $200 basketball cross, a true tribute to Jesus, the man who had the ultimate, “Hang Time.”

Oy Vey.

 

Say, how’s about a man-ring?? You’ll find that the collection has a bevy of beautiful rings, sure to be a hit with that special loan shark or Car Salesman in the family.

Any warlock would be proud to wear this.

 

There’s that subtle basketball again.

 

It doubles as a functional pipe coupling.

 

If the previous two man-rings did it and had a baby.

I think it’s safe to say Tiffany & Company will be closing their doors forever after seeing the beauty Zales, America’s favorite mall-based jeweler, has for sale. The Shaq Collection is the greatest thing to happen to the man-jewelry industry since chest hair.

Let me end this post with one last present from Shaq-a-Claus, it’s the gift of laughter…ladies and gentlemen, enjoy a Christmas Tree falling on Shaq!

 

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Comments

Shaq Designed His Own Line of Man-Jewelry (The Jokes Write Themselves) — 7 Comments

  1. His hat, Shaq-Fu, is a reference to the lovely fighting game he starred in for Sega. Nowadays, I refer to it as Mortified Kombat.

  2. Pingback: Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [12-7-12] « The Twist

  3. In case no one noticed… That crappy bball design is also in the cross… The freakin cross I tell you. Our sweet suckling baby Jesus did not turn water into gatorade. lol

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