That Slut Little Debbie is Licking Her Greedy Chops

I know a certain someone who’s gonna be pissed!

Once upon a time, January of this year to be exact, a devastatingly beautiful and hilarious writer wrote a frantic plea for an American Icon, Hostess Brand Snack cakes .

In her genius piece, the writer begged readers to buy every Twinkie and Ding Dong they came across. The goal: generate enough revenue to keep the diabetes causing dynasty afloat. The gorgeous author’s consumer call to arms was read by hundreds of thousands in the time since, but unfortunately it was not enough.

Hostess Brands is calling it quits on the shoulders of a massive strike that has forced them to shut the doors and kick Twinkie the Kid out on the street to peddle his Ding Dong like a straight up Ho Ho.

Of course, I blame all of the organic and locally sourced Whole Foods Whores with their crazy spandex outfits and rock hard abs. Way to go, “clean eaters,” the terrorists have won.

To once again use a favorite quote from the Classic Cinematic Gem, Home Alone: “ Look What You Did, You Little Jerks!”

Thanks a heap, health nuts. You obviously ignored my money-making manifesto for the now defunct company. I hope your skinny butts snap like twigs under the weight of the overwhelming GUILT you are feeling now.

Dicks.

But it’s not a wrapper wrap for the beloved brands just yet…

There’s a sweetened cream filling to this bitter tale of loss, according to the Wall Street Journal, Hostess plans on keeping each of the brands intact to sell off. Simply put, they are going to sell Twinkies, Ho Hos, Snowballs and all their other delights, including key staff members and recipes to the highest bidder.

Basically, as soon as another snack cake manufacturer steps up and buys the rights, they will resume production of the beloved confections.

Let’s do this, b*tches!

I can hear that old hooker Little Debbie in her board room now…she’s dressed to the nines in a dashing pantsuit complete with pinstripes and shoulder pads. Deb is swirling around a tumbler full of Dewar’s while screaming to her flunkies that it’s time to “BUY LOW”and suck up those Ding Dongs into her investment portfolio.

Avenge our murders!

Sadly, THOUSANDS OF FAMILIES will be affected by the MASSIVE HOSTESS LAYOFFS. And MILLIONS of us will suffer as idiots make terrible Hostess snack cake puns in the office today. However, the WORST thing to come from this closure are the bottom feeders hoarding Twinkies so they can make a mint auctioning them off in the coming months America is  without a Ding Dong.

To those opportunistic jerks I say this:  Twinkies don’t belong gathering dust in a closet for profit. Twinkies belong lovingly lodged in the arteries of Americans everywhere.

Cheer up darling readers, pour yourself a sports bottle of Sangria and dry your eyes, this too shall pass.  We’ll be chowing down on our old friends before you know it.

My money’s on Little Debbie as the new home for the former Hostess carbolicious ass-expanding confections. But really, wherever the snack cakes end up, the point is simple:

The mighty Ho Ho will once again hit the ho stroll. King Ding Dong will live to feed another kingdom of sugar addicted children, and TWINKIE THE KID WILL RIDE AGAIN!

(slowchant) USA! USA! USA!

Try surviving a Zombie Apocalypse without Twinkies, F*ckers!


Comments

That Slut Little Debbie is Licking Her Greedy Chops — 5 Comments

  1. Pingback: R.I.P: Hostess « roodonfood

  2. I have to admit, the first thing I thought when I heard of this was “Snowballs!? I hate f*cking Snowballs….” So, I completely connected with the 1st pic you included in your post. And of course these little gems can’t go away forever, you need them for your nanna puddin’!! 😉

  3. Pingback: I'm Not Yanking Your Ding Dongs, Twinkies Return to the Shelves July 15th!!!! - GrouchyMuffin

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