I’m about to write something I never in a million years dreamt I would ever type: “You need to go to Wal-Mart.”
Look, I know…Wal-Mart is where dreams go to die. The company is solely responsible for murdering small town business and treats its employees like rented mules. If that wasn’t enough, in a bid for the lowest prices possible, the lion share of their products are hastily thrown together by the nimble fingers of Chinese child laborers. Add the fact that every time I have to venture to one it’s as hot as a crotch in there and filled with hateful memaws makes it official: Wal-Mart is the WORST.
But here I am, telling you to go and patronize living Hell on earth, trust me when I say: it’s worth it.
Oreo Cookies, or as I like to call them Magic Ass-Expanding pellets, have been gifting consumers with Limited Edition flavors. In the past year we’ve noshed on: Birthday Cake flavored and Candy Corn Flavored versions of the Nabisco Classic Cookie. And now, a special flavor just in time for the holidays! Say hello to
your next drunken binge star: GINGERBREAD OREOS!
The cookie consists of two vanilla Oreo wafers with a gingerbread flavored creme middle. So far the internet is saying they are delicious. The gingerbread is allegedly more subtle than the IN YOUR FACE Oreo Candy Corn variety previously offered.
The cookies are available through Christmas, however, supplies are limited and can ONLY BE PURCHASED AT WALMART.
These babies are “Available In-Store Only.” Unfortunately, you have to visit an actual Wal-Mart in person. I tried to buy them from Wal-Mart.com and was met with a screen full of, “get f*cked.”
Oh well, Some things are worth fighting for. So, I’m going to do the needful to get these Gingerbread delights down my gullet by nightfall.
I’m off to do battle with the alpha moms, sassy pepaws, mouth breathing weirdos, dudes who never heard of showering, swaths of ill-behaved children, and slow as molasses checkers. Sure, I’ll be rocking a sweat moustache and a deep sense of regret the moment I enter the joint, but a Holiday Edition Product slut’s gotta do what a Holiday Edition Product slut’s gotta do.
Who knows? I might get LUCKY and run into THIS vision while I’m there!!!