2013 Will Be The Year Of The Cage

For those of you new to this clap-trap hobo parlor of a website, let me bring you up to speed on a little fact about yours truly. Actually, it’s about my Dad.

He’s a no-nonsense fellow with a very dry and rusty sense of humor, Pops has nothing for fools and foolery. Imagine his profound disappointment at siring one of the biggest fart joke writing jackasses on the planet earth (aka Me.)

When he’s not rolling his eyes and telling “idiots” where to stuff it, my father can be found partaking in his favorite hobby, watching Nicolas Cage films. Very few things in this world bring him more pleasure than Nic Cage movies. Which Nicolas Cage movies? All of them.

The fact that the Oscar-winning actor is now essentially America’s favorite “bat sh*t crazy uncle,” is completely lost on Pops, in his mind Cage is still all the rage.

Let’s face it, between financial woes and a penchant for choosing the worst projects on planet Earth, Nicolas Cage’s career needs all the “my Dads” he can get.

In news that is sure to make my father let out a gruff but excited, “Oh-Yeah!!!” and will make the internet scratch its head and ask, “WHY!?” It’s been reported that Mr. Cage will star in 12 movies in the upcoming year. Here’s the list of QUALITY flicks:

“National Treasure 3″ (confirmed, no release date yet)
“The Expendables 3″ (according to Sly Stallone, no release date yet)
“I Am Wrath” (rumored, 2013)
“Left Behind” (confirmed, 2013)
“Tokarev” (rumored, 2013)
“Joe” (confirmed, 2013)
“Outcast” (confirmed, 2013)
“Wild Side” (confirmed, 2013)
“Marble City” (confirmed, 2012)
“Frank or Francis” (confirmed, no release date yet)
“Kick-Ass 2″ (confirmed, 2013)
“The Croods” (confirmed & completed, 2013)
“The Frozen Ground” (confirmed & completed, 2013)
“Stolen” (opening in India this Friday)

12 Nic Cage movies in one year means my father will finally get the “Cage of the month Club” membership he’s been dreaming about since 1997’s “Con Air!”

A Year of Luxurious Chest Hair

With 2013 poised to become the year of the Cage, it all suddenly makes sense to me. Obviously, a year of Nicolas Cage is why the Mayans said the world was going to implode in 2012.

Methinks the world will not end in 2012…which means 2013 is gonna be chock-full of nutty Nic and his bewildered, stare. Maybe we will all luck out and the world will stop turning next month.

While on the phone with my brother this morning, I casually mentioned that Mr. Coppola Cage was going to star in a “butt load of movies” next year. As usual, Baby Bro’s response was quick and hilarious: “Geez, what does that guy need to buy now? Did Elvis’s tooth or Edgar Allen Poe’s undescended testicle come up for auction? ”

I’m going to see my father tomorrow morning, and I can’t wait to tell him the great (for him) news, I imagine it will go something like this:

Me: “Hey Dad, I read on the internet that Nic Cage is going to star in 12 movies in 2013.”

Dad: “The internet is full of dumbasses.”

Me: “Yes, but it’s looking like you’ll be knee-deep in new Nic Cage flicks by the end of next year!”

Dad: “Well, it’s about damned time. The man is a National Treasure.”

(crowd groans)


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2013 Will Be The Year Of The Cage — 1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-08-12] « The Twist

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