Hot Topic to Open Lingerie Stores (The Jokes Write Themselves!)

I literally have two of these opening up near me.

Hot Topic, a staple store in abandoned shopping malls around America, is the place where you can get everything from “Punk Rock,” onesies for baby to chain wallets for your biker Grandpa. It’s a pantheon of “edgy” accessories, sanitized for bemused Moms and Dads sent there by Christmas lists. Have I purchased things from my local Hot Topic? Of course. Did I instantly regret not just buying it online? Absolutely.

As anyone with a Goth ex-girlfriend/boyfriend knows, Hot Topic is Claire’s for mean-teens. The place is always crammed full of merchandise, which makes for narrow, meandering paths the customer must traverse, all while some obscure screamcore band’s b-side blares at full blast. After you sweat and stress your way through the rat’s nest of spiked collars and belly button rings, you’re finally ready to be rung up by a surly fatso dressed like a Tim Burton movie set. The place is truly Hell on Earth.

To go to the physical store on your own volition means one thing: you’ve procrastinated beyond the internet’s acceptable delivery window. Only Avril Lavigne fans and ex-cons enjoy shopping Hot Topic in person.

Which is why the company’s newest venture, as Ned Flanders would say,  is a “honeydoodle of a melon scratcher.” Hot Topic is launching its own lingerie boutique.  

It’s called, “Blackheart,” and the tagline is: “Love you to death.”

Blackheart’s clothes and festooned undergarments are exactly what you’d imagine a suburban slutty teen would wear when her parents are out-of-town. Which is to say: there are plenty of skulls, lace and the requisite black and pink color combination.

1991 Courtney Love meets Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” album cover.

Try to fix her wedgie and she’ll kick you.

And all the jailbait rejoices.

In addition to an online presence, on November 15th, Blackheart Boutiques (aka stand alone lingerie stores like Victoria’s Secret) will open in select Texas and California locations.

Look Hot Topic Inc, I know times are tough for mall retail chains.

Afterall, malls are dying and well on their way to becoming battlegrounds for the Zombie apocalypse. So to revive the dying brand in a dying medium, you’re appealing to the lusty instincts of goths and “edgy” skanks all over the country, I really do get it.

But…you’re going about it all wrong.

1. No one wants to try on a plastic barbed wire thong while listening to thrashmetal.

2. Anyone can attain the street-walking, bad girl look that Black Heart is selling, FOR FREE! All you need to do is stop showering, cake on the eye-liner and sleep on the floor of your local greasiest truck stop.

3. Change the slogan. While I’m sure months of research left you with the gem, “Love you to death,”the last thing a frisky fella or lady wants to be reminded of when they’re about to get busy is their OWN MORTALITY. If you insist on using the word “death,” at the very least revise it to a much more catchy, “F*ck you to death.”

As much as the inner mean girl and life-long bully in me wants to go to each of my local Blackheart locations and heckle the sales staff and customers, I will take the highroad and skip the trip.

Besides, unless they stock padded training bras, this place is going out of business.



Hot Topic to Open Lingerie Stores (The Jokes Write Themselves!) — 2 Comments

  1. “Hot Topic is Claire’s for mean-teens”. Brilliant. I’m thinking they could use you to boost their marketing plan. I hope you don’t mind getting paid in dog collars and pasties.

  2. Pingback: Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [11-10-12] « The Twist

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