Halloween is in less than 48 hours.
While children are strategically planning how to get the MOST and BEST candy, tricks are finishing the details on their slutty costumes and boozehounds are getting ready to be blackout drunk.
Me? I’m going to indulge in another Halloween time phenomena, prematurely discussing and preparing for Christmas!
Somewhere in the past 20 years, Halloween became the unofficial jumping off point to holiday revelry, seems Santa has horned in on Satan’s big night. Rather than fire off a smelly old list of reasons why we should stick up for HALLOWEEN the greatest of the holidays, I’m just going to join the early-onset tinsel and holly orgy.
This morning, I came across a must have for my holiday shopping list this year: PICKLE FLAVORED CANDY CANES!!!
The wacky and tacky brain trust that is Archie McPhee is now selling delicious candy sticks infused with pickley goodness.
If you’re a slave to big salty pickles like I am (getyourmindoutofthegutter), this is truly a confection sent from the heavens.
Will they taste disgusting? Perhaps. Especially if they are sweet. I f*cking hate the taste of sweet pickles. Will I shame eat an entire box of them while I hum “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” locked in my closet avoiding visiting family? Absolutely.
At less than 5 bucks a box, you’re going to want to stock up on these babies. At best, you’ll be deep throating a salty sour wonder of confection. At worst, you’ve got the GREATEST White Elephant gift for this year’s stale office party.
Mark my blasphemous words, if the baby Jesus knew these puppies would be around all these years later, he would have cold-cocked the frankincense and myrrh wise dudes on sheer principle.