So It’s Come To This: The NEW Jem Dolls

Miss me?

With Halloween approaching quickly, it would only make sense that the bloodthirsty toy companies are starting to trot out their finest upcoming releases just in time for the holidays. Thankfully, Angry Baby is content playing with wrapping paper and gift bows, she doesn’t give a crap about the hot new toys, yet.

That being said, there was a set of toys announced yesterday that made my inner 6-year-old do somersaults.

Jem and the Holograms Dolls are BACK!

I literally busted out my Lisa Frank Notebook and wrote a reminder to myself to ask Santa for these babies.

Seems the nostalgia craze and pop culture’s love of ALL THINGS 1980’s, has caused Hasbro to raise the plastic Siren from her rotting grave in the attics of America. That grinding you’re hearing is the sound of wood being desperately scraped at the bottom of the toy idea barrel.

For those of you too young/old/straight/gay to know Jem and the Holograms, allow your ol’ pal Cribsy to fill you in…Jem was an 80’s Hasbro Toy and successful television cartoon, aimed square at the hearts of eighties girls and fancy boys.

Here’s her story from the Official Jem Website:

Upon the passing of her father, JERRICA BENTON inherits Starlight Music and finds herself the new co-owner executive alongside the greedy, power-hungry Eric Raymond. Eric is on a mission to seize complete control of Starlight Music as well as use it to launch to stardom his latest discovery- rockin’ rebel girl band The Misfits. With the help of SYNERGY- a computer holographic machine created by her father- and a pair of special jemstar earrings, Jerrica is able to transform into the megapop sensation named Jem! With her sister, Kimber, and their band, The Holograms, Jem undertakes a battle-of-the-bands competition against Eric and the Misfits for control of Starlight Music.

Yeah, I don’t know what we were thinking either. Perhaps we were second-hand high from all those 1980’s rolled up cocaine dollars in circulation. Whatever the case this sh*tty premise/show was like catnip for my people. And NOW, JEM has returned!!!!!!!

A line of new LIMITED EDITION Jem and the Holograms Dolls are going to be available this year JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! Here’s a FIRST LOOK at them:

I’m back, b*tches.

Jerrica Benton: Music Heiress By Day, International Pop Star by Night

Synergy, spirit guide and fashion icon

Hollywood Jem asks, “Is this thing on?”

Why, they’ve even brought back her vaguely homosexual love interest, Rio Pacheco!

Which way to the gym, fellas?

While I think the dolls look great in their oversized and strangely articulated splendor, I have a few points of contention with these revived beauties:

  • Synergy Doll looks like Latoya Jackson did it with a Duran Duran Album Cover, but I’m into it.
  • You have to buy TWO seperate dolls to complete the Jerrica/Jem transition. In the ORIGINAL JEM DOLL THEY WERE ONE IN THE SAME, all a kid needed to do was flip the clothes around and voila, they had 2 different persona in one reasonably priced doll.
  •  The Hollywood Jem is dressed like a female stand up comedian. Don’t believe me? Consider this photo of her:

Chocolate and Bathing Suit Jokes abound.

  • NO MISFITS IN THIS COLLECTION: The greatest part of the Jem mythos was her villainous Band of haters, “The Misfits.” I loved those vengeful sluts.

We’re gonna get her for this!

But perhaps the most offensive New Jem Doll offense? The pricetag. Each one of these dolls will set you back $125 smackers. A piece. I’ll be passing on Jem 2.0.

I’m gonna stick to my old Jem Dolls. Sure, they’ve been gnawed at by the ancient evil that lurks in my parents attic, but they were designed to be played with, and didn’t cost a king’s ransom.

At these prices, forget calling her Jem, homegirl needs to be renamed Diamond.

The only way I’ll pay $125 for a LIMITED EDITION JEM DOLL is if Synergy holograms me some totally radical coupons.

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So It’s Come To This: The NEW Jem Dolls — 2 Comments

  1. Pingback: Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [10-23-12] « The Twist

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