Ladies and Fancy Gentlemen, it is with a heavy heart and soul full o’ sorrow that I call the latest meeting of the Timberlake Appreciation Society. As the internet’s leading group of Justin Timberlake admirers, I speak for everyone when I say that I’m devastated.
Friday, JT tied the knot with that ol’ sack of oatmeal, Jessica Biel. You may recognize her as that chick from 7th heaven who helped ruin the film Total Recall this summer by starring in the unecessary remake. BTW, the Total Recall reboot was one of the Summer’s biggest FLOPS.
Anydoomedunions, Justin and whatsherface exchanged “I Do’s,” at some ritzy Italian Resort, and rumors are swirling that the shindig cost SIX MILLION dollars.
I just can’t.
A quick trip the courthouse and a celebratory Taco Bell Mexican Pizza afterwards, would be more than Boring Biel deserves. But a beautiful EXPENSIVE Italian Wedding? It’s more than I can bear.
I mean, look at this trick, she’s hideous!
Timberlake has been wasting his time with Biel since 2007…you know what else happened in 2007? Britney Spears had her infamous meltdown. He obviously started humping on Snoozefest as a way to ease the pain of Britney’s crazy-train.
It started as a simple hookup because he was looking to f*ck the Brit-Brit pain away, and JT got sucked into a routine of being with Oatmeal Biel. After a few years, Justin convinced himself that is was love and decided the next logical step was getting hitched. It’s your classic boy meets girl on the MMC, becomes famous and wealthy with said girl, girl decides to eat a bag of goofballs and shave her head, and boy ends up settling for someone NO ONE LIKES.
I know you share my sorrow and devastation fellow Timberlake Appreciation Society Members, and that’s why I have a few bits of cold comfort to share with you:
1. It will never last. Eventually he’ll come to his senses, everyone does.
2. When the inevitable break-up happens, I’ll be hosting a DIVORCE PARTY BLOWOUT! (All Society Members will be invited)
3. Jessica Biel is clearly Justin Timberlake’s “Kevin Federline.”
4. This is a photo of them taken over the weekend, by the looks of these sourpusses, I’d venture to guess we’ll be poppin’ bottles of heartbreak celebration in NO TIME!!!
Justin, we’re not mad, we’re just hurt. By wasting your money and time on the chick from 7th heaven, you’re wasting precious GET BACK TOGETHER WITH BRITNEY TIME.
via our Friends at The Twist