A.B.C. Always Be Closing

One of Alec Baldwin’s greatest and most infamous roles, is that of Blake, the brass ball-holding demon sent from corporate in the 1992 film, Glengarry Glen Ross.


In an abusive and perfectly written monologue, Blake explains that the key to a successful career in sales is simple. To achieve results, one need only follow the ABCs of selling, “Always. Be. Closing.”

Well, this past weekend, (on Sunday morning to be exact) QVC Host, Dan Hughes took Baldwin’s infamous speech to heart and kept on closing.

Gurl, he’s not gonna help you!

Seems Dan and his segment co-host, Cassie Slane were selling a kid’s educational tablet when Cassie unexpectedly began clutching her chest and passed out. The live TV the camera awkwardly cut to a product shot, where Dan continued to sell without skipping a beat. I urge you to watch the hilarious clip below, it’s only 41 seconds so live it up and laugh with me!

No thanks to Dan, Cassie is doing fine and feeling much better. 

Thanks for nothing, Dan.

Of course, something tells me Cassie preferred Dan not laying a finger on her to help. Because let’s face it, Dan gives off a strong creeper vibe, and Cassie is a hot chick. EVERYONE knows hot chicks are always getting skeezed on by the “Dans” of the world, so there’s a strong possibility she was relieved when she came to.

I imagine it went something like this…

Cassie: “Whoa, what happened!? Did I pass out on live television?”

Producer: “Yes, but the good news is Dan practically ran over your azz to continue selling that hunk o’ junk y’all were hawking.”

Cassie: “You mean his cold, sweaty, hands didn’t graze me in a concerned manner as my limp body lay unconscious and there were no “CPR attempts” by his fleshy lips?”

Producer: “Nope, he acted like you vanished in a puff of smoke while he extolled the virtues of some stupid kid toy.”

Cassie: “Oh thank goodness! That dude totally gives me the creeps.”

 End Scene

But cheer up Dan, while you may find yourself one of the most hated people in television right now, you’ve gained a LIFE-LONG fan. You see, it took quite a no-heart to ignore a gravely ill mom of three on Live television. You’re a dedicated salesman who truly puts closing the deal above helping fellow mankind. As a fellow Villain I say to you, “Job well done, sir!”

By giving homegirl the “snitch please,” and continuing with the shilling of a lousy product, He secured a place in the pantheon of true jerks, and a spot FOREVER in my heart.

And to all of you tricks out there throwing Mr. Hughes shade, let me just remind you how much you hate that one particular co-worker of yours. I’ll bet money, if you were selling a plastic piece of crap on television with said reviled co-worker, you would do the same.


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