Worldwide Bacon Shortage Predicted

Ha-Ha!

Bacon lovers of the world, you’re gonna need to sit down for this post. I have some terribly ~~hilarious~~ heartbreaking news. A UK Group, The National Pig Association is predicting Europe’s bacon supply will continue to quickly deteriorate and the world will have a GLOBAL BACON PRODUCTION REDUCTION in 2013.

While there is no danger of readily available bacon going away, the price of it is rising globally. Including right here in the good ol’ USA.

Why? Seems drought conditions in the United States spelled disastrous for the Soybean and Corn crop yields both feed staples for pigs aka BACON containers.There’s not enough affordable feed and European farmers are drastically lowering the amount of pigs they raise. The cost of feed has become too expensive to sustain pig farming.

Thanks alot, Al Gore.

I smell a conspiracy.

Sure, they want you to believe that the unseasonable weather and droughts are to blame for the bacon shortage. It’s the age-old, “Global Warming is f*cking off Bacon,” argument. But I think you and I know who really is to blame. BACON NITWITS!

My bacon strip just went limp.

I BLAME foolish buffoons who insist on moaning about all things bacon, AKA the bacon nitwits. Your incessant blithering about delicious bacon lead to an over-consumption of the precious meat-candy.

To quote Kevin McAllister’s Uncle Frank from the classic family film, Home Alone: “Look what you did you little jerk!”

Hey Dumbo, guess what? WE ALREADY KNEW BACON WAS AWESOME! Bacon has been the virile gentleman lover of the breakfast table for generations. Ask those hos Grapefruit and Granola who gets the most dates, it’s always BACON!

Unbeweaveable waste of bacon.

But that wasn’t enough. Because all great things must be run into the ground, Bacon became a thing several years ago. Ever since Bacon Worship as a trend took off, bacon-themed everything has been offered up for sale.

Anything for a cheap buck.

And now there’s a forecast global shortage of the sublime stuff.

You nitwits did this to bacon…I hope you’re happy with yourselves. You are single-handedly destroying that which you claim to love!

Thanks for ruining it for everyone, you little jerks.

Being a bacon nitwit doesn’t make you interesting or humorous, you just come off as a person who likes to state the obvious. So, for the love of all that’s salty, crispy, and of the pork persuasion, I beg of you: SHUT UP ABOUT BACON ALREADY!!!!!

SAVE OUR STRIPS!